Guantanamo Times Restaurant Opens in Lyndhurst

Waiters tell patrons about the dinner specials

New Jersey residents tired of the same old theme restaurants will have a new choice now that the Rainforest Café has opened a new eatery based on the U.S.-run Guantanamo Bay prison camp.

The restaurant’s owners claim diners will enjoy an authentic experience from being shackled to the floor in the fetal position to having a German shepherd snap at their testicles. Rod Granten, vice president of operations for Guantanamo Times said they had a two-hour wait during the grand opening of the 75-seat dining hall.

“There aren’t many restaurants in Jersey where they’ll wrap your head in duct tape and hang you on a meat hook between the appetizer and main course,” Granten said. Then he motioned toward barbed wire wrapped around a salad bar. “Diners can look at the fixins but they can’t eat them.”

Arriving guests are fitted with a burlap hood, forced to change into an orange jumpsuit and then handcuffed and shackled at the ankles. The restaurant also is offering a couples’ special: all the normal surprises as the regular experience, plus three hours chained to the floor of a plywood hut with the air conditioning turned down to its lowest setting and continuously flickering strobe lights for just $45 more. Tip not included.

For mealtime entertainment, the staff - hired away from Blackwater - will randomly select a patron to participate in a real interrogation. Other diners will have a chance to guess how long it will take the person to disclose his or her ATM pin number and password to Facebook. Winning guessers will get a free hour in the pain hut, while participants will receive a voucher covering their first $50 in medical expenses.

Because President Barack Obama has vowed to close the real Guantanamo, Granten said he plans to offer actual detainees from the prison camp free passes to the restaurant “so they can experience the fun all over again.”

East Rutherford resident Johnny DiVila said he’d been waiting for Gunatanamo Times to open for the past year and already had booked the restaurant for his parents’ 50^th wedding anniversary.

“They like surprises, so I got them the couple’s special,” DiVila said. “My mom, she don’t move so good no more. But I’m gonna be taking pictures when they send one of the attack dogs after her.”