State Outlines New Investment Strategy: Hannah Montana, Religious Toast and Vinny

Bruised by more than $17 billion in investment losses last year, New Jersey’s public employee pension fund has decided to shift its money from stocks and bonds to Miley Cyrus collectibles, pieces of toast with religious figures on them and a guy named Vinny who promises 35 percent returns.

The state Division of Investment disclosed its new strategy at an Assembly hearing in Trenton and director William Clark clearly was excited about the potential returns with the change in direction. During testimony, Clark said he was confident the state would not only make up the money it lost in 2008, but also post returns other states could only shake their heads at.

“We have almost cornered the Hannah Montana products market with a $29 billion investment and I believe when we’re ready to sell in 10 or 15 years there’s no way we’ll lose,” he said. “I ask any lawmaker in this committee to tell me how a Hannah Montana metallic motorcycle jacket will not return at least 20 percent a year.”

For the foreseeable future, the state will store tens of thousands of Hannah Montana lip gloss rings, Hannah Montana 3D 22-ounce plastic cups, Hannah Montana doll playsets, Hannah Montana comforters, Hannah Montana ceiling fans, Hannah Montana wall murals, Hannah Montana alarm clock radios, Hannah Montana sticker trading cards, Hannah Montana edible cake topper decorations and Hannah Montana director’s chairs in the massive abandoned main building of Greystone Park Psychiatric Hospital.

“Of course, we’ll need to have 24-hour manned security for the collection, because it’s a proven fact crazy people have a thing for Miley Cirus,” Clark said. “But the protection will only cost about $17 million a year.”

In addition, the division of investment has purchased $7 billion in pieces of toast that, if held at the correct angle and time of day, appear to have the images of Jesus, the Virgin Mary, Elvis and former president Grover Cleveland on them. It is bidding on eBay on another $3 billion of toast products.

Finally, the fund’s remaining $25 billion has been placed with a guy named Vinny. Clark said a division assistant director met Vinny at the Meadowlands when both men bet on Blue Boy to win in the seventh and the assistant learned Vinny was an accomplished money manager with a stellar record of returns.

Assemblyman Alex DeCroce seemed skeptical of some of the investments and raised the division’s ill-fated decision last year to invest in Lehman Bros. weeks before the investment bank collapsed.

“But I think you’re right on track with Vinny. I’ve got all my money with him and he can’t miss,” DeCroce said. “As for Hannah Montana, I’m going to have to inspect that merchandise personally, each day, for several hours.”