Newark Airport Adopts New Time Zone to Address Flight Delays

In an effort to improve on perpetually poor on-time performances, Newark Liberty International Airport has switched to American Samoa Standard Time.

The move automatically builds a 6-hour cushion into the system that has not had an on-time departure or arrival since an Amelia Earhart flight in 1935. Earlier this month, statistics released from the Federal Bureau of Transportation Statistics showed once again that Newark ranked dead last in 2008 among the nation’s 332 major airports in on-time arrivals and departures.

“For too long, travelers coming through here have endured frustrating delays, missed connections and several meals of mediocre airport food,” airport manager Sheila Stone said. “Adopting SST won’t change any of that, but at least the official records will show a marked improvement and that’s really what’s important.”

Stone explained that the new time zone applies only to the airport’s clocks, not an airline’s scheduled flight times. So a Continental flight set to depart at 8 a.m. Eastern Standard Time wouldn’t be considered delayed until 15 minutes after 8 a.m. SST, which is 2 p.m. EST. The same goes for arriving flights, which will switch to American Samoa Time as soon as they enter the area’s air space.

Passengers still seemed somewhat confused about the switch.

“OK, my flight was supposed to leave at 1 this afternoon,” passenger Alan Lieberman said while nursing some kava in a coconut shell cup at the new King Malietoa Tanumafili II bar in Terminal C. “But it’s, what, 6:30 p.m. now and the board still says ‘on time.’ It’s kind of screwed up, but for some reason I really don’t care. Bartender, can I have another one of these drinks?”

Stone acknowledged the kava-themed drinks were being spiked with Zoloft and also that heavy doses of aerosolized Xanax were being piped through the entire airport’s ventilation system.

“We understand how important it is to provide a good customer experience at the airport,” she said. “However, it’s also critical that we not overlook the significance of having, on paper at least, an airport that can achieve a 50 percent on-time record.

“So if we have to secretly medicate the entire traveling public to reach our goal of failing to do our job just half of the time, I think that’s worth it.”