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Conan O’Brien Rushed To Hospital In Newark, Bus Ticket Fails To Stop Bleeding

October 20, 2009 in Crime, News | No comments

Conan O'Brien, at right, about to get a beatdown

Conan O'Brien, at right, about to get a beatdown

Doctors at University Hospital in Newark were scrambling to treat Conan O’Brien after the Tonight Show host was stabbed, shot and beaten, but were unsure whether a bus ticket to Topeka would be enough to save him.

“Medicine has come a long way…in other cities,” emergency room physician Max Rapapport said at a news conference. “Unfortunately for Mr. O’Brien, our options are limited here. We thought about giving him a bus ticket to Pittsburgh, but in the end, it was clear a trip to Topeka was warranted.”

O’Brien ran into problems after cracking a joke about the city to a group of residents on Irvine Turner Boulevard. They promptly attacked him.

“Is that all you’ve got?” O’Brien quipped after someone in the crowd on the street knifed him in the back. “My 3-year-old son gives me worse when I try to put him down for a nap.”

Witnesses said a 3-year-old boy then pulled out a Glock .40mm and shot O’Brien several times. Stray bullets also killed two bystanders.

“Okay, that stung a little, but still,” the comedian countered. “And who nicknames a place Brick City? Oooh, I’d like to live in aluminum siding city!”

“That’s when someone threw a brick that hit Conan upside the head,” one resident said. “After he went down on the sidewalk, everyone lined up single-file to kick him in the ribs. It was very orderly.”

Through an NBC spokesman in Hollywood, Tonight Show sidekick Andy Richter said, “Newark is a great city. Don’t forget to watch tomorrow night as I host what will be a great show! my show. Finally!”

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Beached Whale Carcass Elected Mayor of Hoboken

August 3, 2009 in Crime, Government, News | 1 comment

Jack Shaw showing off his latest political protege

Jack Shaw showing off his latest political protege

The rotting, battered carcass of a dead humpback whale that washed ashore on Monmouth Beach was elected mayor of Hoboken, replacing the city’s prior leader who resigned after being arrested in a massive corruption scandal.

The whale, which did not respond to repeated requests for comment, was elected with 95 percent of the vote, according to election officials. Voter turnout was high, with 97 percent of registered voters casting their ballot, despite no advance public notice about the election.

“We’re certain this was a clean and fair election with no irregularities,” city clerk James Farina said moments after the polls closed, which was just 3 minutes after they opened. “Once again, the citizens of Hoboken exercised their voting rights with enthusiasm and showed why this city is a shining example of democracy in action for not only the rest of the state, but also the nation.”

The mayor’s post became available after the resignation of Peter Cammarano III, who is one of dozens charged in a federal political corruption case. The whale apparently became a lock after political consultant Jack Shaw attached himself to the marine mammal’s campaign.

Shaw was found dead the same day the dead whale was elected.

“Jack wasn’t a show-off, but he said to me, ‘I’ve got Hudson County so locked down, I could even get a putrid, decaying whale carcass elected,’” a friend recalled. “I said, ‘I bet you can’t.’ Boy was I wrong. Do you smell something?”

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NJ League of Municipalities Moves Annual Conference to Fort Dix Federal Prison

July 24, 2009 in Crime, Government, News | 1 comment

Fort Dix, site of the next NJ League of Municipalities conference

Fort Dix, site of the next NJ League of Municipalities conference

Citing the need to keep up with the changing residency of its membership, the New Jersey State League of Municipalities said it will hold its upcoming annual conference at the Federal Correctional Institution at Fort Dix.

While the league has more than 13,000 members, consisting of mayors and elected or appointed local officials, Executive Director Bill Dressel said attendance has been dropping during the past few conventions.

“Not everyone can get a prison furlough to make it,” Dressel said. “So we decided, hey, let’s go where our members are. Most years that’s Atlantic City. This year, well, it’s somewhere else. But at least we’re guaranteed to have a good turnout.”

The 2008 gathering was dubbed “Challenges and Changes, A Time for New Ideas.” This year, staff has settled on “Getting Things Done, Everyone Has Their Price.”

Organizers said the 4-day event scheduled for November is packed with useful workshops and educational seminars, including “Perfecting the Perp Walk: How to Look Your Best” and “Letter Sized or Manila Envelopes? The Best Way to Accept ‘Contributions.’”

“I wish they had held this conference about three months ago,” Hoboken Mayor Peter Cammarano said from a holding cell. “Then again, good politicians learn from their mistakes and as it turns out, I think I may have a fair amount of free time in the next few years to really study up on things.”

Dressel said this year’s conference has been certified kosher by a group of Orthodox rabbis from Monmouth and Ocean counties.

“These are men of God,” he said. “If they give their blessing to something, that’s as good as cash in the bank.”

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Bear in Sussex County Breaks Into House, Demands Residents Prepare Pate En Croute

July 6, 2009 in Crime, News | No comments

This black bear demanded pate en croute

This black bear demanded pate en croute

A 350-pound black bear broke through the screen door of a home in Vernon, then forced the residents to prepare a difficult and time-consuming pate en croute with veal, rabbit, liver and side of dill sour cream.

The bear, believed to be a female because of a barely visible lower-back tattoo, did not harm the husband and wife inside but left behind an immense pile of scat on the kitchen floor.

“We were sitting in the den watching ‘The Golden Girls’ marathon on Lifetime when all of a sudden we heard this terrible racket,” resident Kenneth Archer said. “Next thing you know, we’re face-to-face with a 7-foot bear that’s got a craving for some French cuisine.

“I’m just glad Olga still had her Betty Crocker Recipe Card library.”

Archer said they didn’t have some of the required ingredients like forcemeat and pork belly, but he ran out to the local A&P to stock up and also picked up a nice pinot noir to wash it all down.

“You know, I was a little concerned after noticing on the recipe card that you’re supposed to marinate the meats in the refrigerator for 12 hours, but after Ken got back from the supermarket he and the bear started watching some more Golden Girls, so I figured I had time,” Olga Archer said. “Am I surprised a wild black bear was watching The Golden Girls in our den? No, because who doesn’t like Bea Arthur?”

Olga Archer admitted she cheated a little by using a pre-made pastry crust but was adamant that she prepared the aspic all by herself and didn’t use any gelatin to create the globby jelly made from meat stock.

“I could tell by the bear’s face she knew the pastry wasn’t from scratch,” Olga Archer said. “It was kind of a look of disappointment mixed with rage that I’ve seen on Ken’s face so many times. I’ll try harder next time.”

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NJ Fiancee of Accused Craigslist Killer: He Only Murders For Food

April 23, 2009 in Crime, News | No comments

The Craigslist Killer after a meal

The Craigslist Killer after a meal

The bride-to-be of a medical student accused of murdering one woman and suspected in attacks on others said in an email her fiance is a beautiful person who only kills when he gets hungry. And sometimes when he doesn’t do well on a big test.

Missy McNally, a native of Little Silver, sent the email defending Philip Markoff after Boston police arrested him on charges he fatally shot a masseuse in a hotel room and bound and robbed another woman a week earlier. The attacker met both women through Craigslist.

“Philip is an intelligent man who is just trying to live his life, so if you could leave us alone we would greatly appreciate it,” McNally wrote in an email to Good Morning America. “So Philip kills someone every now and then. Big deal. It’s not like he’s doing this for sport. He only murders for food.”

“All I have to say to you is Philip is a beautiful person inside and out and could not hurt a fly!” she continued. “Unless of course, the fly is a woman advertising massage services on Craigslist. Then get the body bags out! :)”

In another email, McNally wrote that because the Boston police released information about Markoff’s arrest “without my knowledge or consent,” legally all charges would have to be dismissed and they could continue with their plans to get married at the Jersey Shore in August.

“He is intelligent, loyal and always seemed to have a lot of cash around for us to go gambling at Foxwoods casino,” she wrote. “He’s the best fiance a woman could ask for.”

Friends of McNally said she was ecstatic about her relationship with Markoff and tended not to worry when he left the apartment for long periods late at night only to return sweaty and clutching women’s panties.

“To her, he was just being Philip,” a scheduled bridesmaid said. “But some of us did think it was sort of weird that all they registered for was cutlery.”

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