Conan O'Brien, at right, about to get a beatdown

Doctors at University Hospital in Newark were scrambling to treat Conan O’Brien after the Tonight Show host was stabbed, shot and beaten, but were unsure whether a bus ticket to Topeka would be enough to save him.

“Medicine has come a long way…in other cities,” emergency room physician Max Rapapport said at a news conference. “Unfortunately for Mr. O’Brien, our options are limited here. We thought about giving him a bus ticket to Pittsburgh, but in the end, it was clear a trip to Topeka was warranted.”

O’Brien ran into problems after cracking a joke about the city to a group of residents on Irvine Turner Boulevard. They promptly attacked him.

“Is that all you’ve got?” O’Brien quipped after someone in the crowd on the street knifed him in the back. “My 3-year-old son gives me worse when I try to put him down for a nap.”

Witnesses said a 3-year-old boy then pulled out a Glock .40mm and shot O’Brien several times. Stray bullets also killed two bystanders.

“Okay, that stung a little, but still,” the comedian countered. “And who nicknames a place Brick City? Oooh, I’d like to live in aluminum siding city!”

“That’s when someone threw a brick that hit Conan upside the head,” one resident said. “After he went down on the sidewalk, everyone lined up single-file to kick him in the ribs. It was very orderly.”

Through an NBC spokesman in Hollywood, Tonight Show sidekick Andy Richter said, “Newark is a great city. Don’t forget to watch tomorrow night as I host what will be a great show! my show. Finally!”

Jack Shaw showing off his latest political protege

The rotting, battered carcass of a dead humpback whale that washed ashore on Monmouth Beach was elected mayor of Hoboken, replacing the city’s prior leader who resigned after being arrested in a massive corruption scandal.

The whale, which did not respond to repeated requests for comment, was elected with 95 percent of the vote, according to election officials. Voter turnout was high, with 97 percent of registered voters casting their ballot, despite no advance public notice about the election.

“We’re certain this was a clean and fair election with no irregularities,” city clerk James Farina said moments after the polls closed, which was just 3 minutes after they opened. “Once again, the citizens of Hoboken exercised their voting rights with enthusiasm and showed why this city is a shining example of democracy in action for not only the rest of the state, but also the nation.”

The mayor’s post became available after the resignation of Peter Cammarano III, who is one of dozens charged in a federal political corruption case. The whale apparently became a lock after political consultant Jack Shaw attached himself to the marine mammal’s campaign.

Shaw was found dead the same day the dead whale was elected.

“Jack wasn’t a show-off, but he said to me, ‘I’ve got Hudson County so locked down, I could even get a putrid, decaying whale carcass elected,’” a friend recalled. “I said, ‘I bet you can’t.’ Boy was I wrong. Do you smell something?”

Fort Dix, site of the next NJ League of Municipalities conference

Citing the need to keep up with the changing residency of its membership, the New Jersey State League of Municipalities said it will hold its upcoming annual conference at the Federal Correctional Institution at Fort Dix.

While the league has more than 13,000 members, consisting of mayors and elected or appointed local officials, Executive Director Bill Dressel said attendance has been dropping during the past few conventions.

“Not everyone can get a prison furlough to make it,” Dressel said. “So we decided, hey, let’s go where our members are. Most years that’s Atlantic City. This year, well, it’s somewhere else. But at least we’re guaranteed to have a good turnout.”

The 2008 gathering was dubbed “Challenges and Changes, A Time for New Ideas.” This year, staff has settled on “Getting Things Done, Everyone Has Their Price.”

Organizers said the 4-day event scheduled for November is packed with useful workshops and educational seminars, including “Perfecting the Perp Walk: How to Look Your Best” and “Letter Sized or Manila Envelopes? The Best Way to Accept ‘Contributions.’”

“I wish they had held this conference about three months ago,” Hoboken Mayor Peter Cammarano said from a holding cell. “Then again, good politicians learn from their mistakes and as it turns out, I think I may have a fair amount of free time in the next few years to really study up on things.”

Dressel said this year’s conference has been certified kosher by a group of Orthodox rabbis from Monmouth and Ocean counties.

“These are men of God,” he said. “If they give their blessing to something, that’s as good as cash in the bank.”

This black bear demanded pate en croute

A 350-pound black bear broke through the screen door of a home in Vernon, then forced the residents to prepare a difficult and time-consuming pate en croute with veal, rabbit, liver and side of dill sour cream.

The bear, believed to be a female because of a barely visible lower-back tattoo, did not harm the husband and wife inside but left behind an immense pile of scat on the kitchen floor.

“We were sitting in the den watching ‘The Golden Girls’ marathon on Lifetime when all of a sudden we heard this terrible racket,” resident Kenneth Archer said. “Next thing you know, we’re face-to-face with a 7-foot bear that’s got a craving for some French cuisine.

“I’m just glad Olga still had her Betty Crocker Recipe Card library.”

Archer said they didn’t have some of the required ingredients like forcemeat and pork belly, but he ran out to the local A&P to stock up and also picked up a nice pinot noir to wash it all down.

“You know, I was a little concerned after noticing on the recipe card that you’re supposed to marinate the meats in the refrigerator for 12 hours, but after Ken got back from the supermarket he and the bear started watching some more Golden Girls, so I figured I had time,” Olga Archer said. “Am I surprised a wild black bear was watching The Golden Girls in our den? No, because who doesn’t like Bea Arthur?”

Olga Archer admitted she cheated a little by using a pre-made pastry crust but was adamant that she prepared the aspic all by herself and didn’t use any gelatin to create the globby jelly made from meat stock.

“I could tell by the bear’s face she knew the pastry wasn’t from scratch,” Olga Archer said. “It was kind of a look of disappointment mixed with rage that I’ve seen on Ken’s face so many times. I’ll try harder next time.”

The Craigslist Killer after a meal

The bride-to-be of a medical student accused of murdering one woman and suspected in attacks on others said in an email her fiance is a beautiful person who only kills when he gets hungry. And sometimes when he doesn’t do well on a big test.

Missy McNally, a native of Little Silver, sent the email defending Philip Markoff after Boston police arrested him on charges he fatally shot a masseuse in a hotel room and bound and robbed another woman a week earlier. The attacker met both women through Craigslist.

“Philip is an intelligent man who is just trying to live his life, so if you could leave us alone we would greatly appreciate it,” McNally wrote in an email to Good Morning America. “So Philip kills someone every now and then. Big deal. It’s not like he’s doing this for sport. He only murders for food.”

“All I have to say to you is Philip is a beautiful person inside and out and could not hurt a fly!” she continued. “Unless of course, the fly is a woman advertising massage services on Craigslist. Then get the body bags out! :)”

In another email, McNally wrote that because the Boston police released information about Markoff’s arrest “without my knowledge or consent,” legally all charges would have to be dismissed and they could continue with their plans to get married at the Jersey Shore in August.

“He is intelligent, loyal and always seemed to have a lot of cash around for us to go gambling at Foxwoods casino,” she wrote. “He’s the best fiance a woman could ask for.”

Friends of McNally said she was ecstatic about her relationship with Markoff and tended not to worry when he left the apartment for long periods late at night only to return sweaty and clutching women’s panties.

“To her, he was just being Philip,” a scheduled bridesmaid said. “But some of us did think it was sort of weird that all they registered for was cutlery.”

Joseph Coniglio and the "Pierre"

Jurors in former state senator Joseph Coniglio’s political corruption case cleared him of mail fraud and extortion charges, but convicted the Democrat and his toupee of conspiracy and other counts not actually contained in the indictment.

As the court clerk read through the verdict form, Coniglio began crying quietly. His hairpiece showed no reaction.

The federal jury in Newark did not seem bothered by the fact it convicted the Bergen County resident and his hairpiece of charges that weren’t part of the original indictment, including criminal impersonation, assault and torture.

“We read the law. What Mr. Coniglio did in that courtroom for three weeks, by forcing us to look at the dead squirrel slapped on his skull and act like he had a full, natural head of hair, clearly constitutes torture,” jury forewoman Nancy Blanchard said. “I, for one, would rather be water boarded at some black site CIA prison in Uzbekistan.”

Several jurors who spoke after the verdict pointed to federal criminal code, Title 18, Chapter 113C, which describes torture as “an act committed by a person …specifically intended to inflict severe physical or mental pain or suffering upon another person within his custody or physical control.”

The hairpiece, a helmet of synthetic fibers parted on the left side (and only the left side) and made to appear to be graying, is befitting a man of Coniglio’s stature and 66 years. Receipts introduced at trial indicate the former plumber purchased his “Pierre” toupee from BestWigOutlet.com, for $371.25.

“I’m pretty sure I saw it lunge at one of the prosecutors during closing arguments,” juror Brad Andrews said. “But a bailiff kind of pointed to his service weapon and the hairpiece settled down.”

Jurors said they spent little time deliberating on the original charges the government brought against Coniglio, who was accused of accepting a consulting job for $5,000 a month at Hackensack University Medical Center while using his influence on the senate budget committee to funnel more than $10 million in state money to the hospital.

“This is New Jersey,” forewoman Blanchard said. “Who are we to deprive marginally qualified state politicians the right to participate in and take advantage of the Jersey dream?”

Bianchi in the courtroom

In the law enforcement publication, “Prosecutors’ Pranks and Practical Jokes,” Morris County Prosecutor Robert Bianchi acknowledged a Hanover man’s 1994 first-degree murder conviction and subsequent life sentence were obtained in jest to illustrate the gullibility of juries.

In the April issue of the magazine, (which in the 1950s ran the seminal “Railroading the Rosenbergs,”) prosecutor Robert Bianchi disclosed how he and another attorney were able to convince a jury that Albert Barkwell killed his neighbor with a 12-pound eggplant grown in his backyard garden.

“We were talking one night about how they always say you can indict a ham sandwich. But can you convict on an eggplant parm?” Bianchi wrote. “So we decided to conduct an experiment involving a purple vegetable, an innocent man and Entemann’s Crumb Coffee Cake. The cake didn’t have anything to do with our plan, but you try resisting that cinnamony goodness.”

The lawyers settled on Barkwell, a single man in his 40s at the time, because he lived next door to old man Peters, who at 97 already had one foot out the door. They took the fact that Barkwell often provided Peters meals and helped maintain Peters’ house and turned it against him.

“In reality, this guy Barkwell was well intentioned, but introduce a $1 million life insurance policy into evidence at trial and suddenly someone’s got some ’splain’ to do,” Bianchi wrote. “Of course, the insurance policy was part of another fraud case in our office, but do you think the jury even looked at the document?”

In the end it took jurors 45 minutes to convict, a half an hour of which was spent ordering lunch.

“I almost started laughing when they returned a guilty verdict, but that’s not proper decorum in a murder trial,” the prosecutor wrote. “Still, I’m coming forward now because I think I’ve made my point.”

Barkwell, a slight man who is now known as “Alice” at Trenton State Prison, seemed to take the whole situation in stride.

“This was a tremendous waste of law enforcement time and resources, which could have been used to pursue other, presumably real, crimes,” Barkwell said while another inmate worked on his 14^th prison tattoo. “On the other hand, the prosecutor did acknowledge his actions and promised to send me some canteen money and the next Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition so I’m good.”

Vern Yip prepares to tackle the Chester cat hoarder house

HGTV star Vern Yip and his “Deserving Design” crew have arrived in Chester Township, where they’ll show a woman living with nearly 100 cats in a feces-laden, urine-stained million dollar home how to make it all work.

“I’m always looking for special people who just need a little bit of design sunshine in their lives to make everything better,” Yip said. “And when I heard about this exceptional woman who stuffed mail and an empty can of ShopRite beets in her oven, and kept a two-foot-high pile of cat shit in her living room, I knew it was Yip-eee time.”

Touring the expansive brick mansion as part of his pre-show research, Yip noted the urine-stained Steinway piano and Queen Anne couch with shredded cushions and caked-on feces had a lot of potential.

“We’re going to transform this place from crazy cat lady into fabulous feline living,” Yip said though a respirator he wore to cut the stench. “I think I just stepped in the litter box.”

“This whole house is a litter box,” said Lt. Dwight Findlay of the New Jersey Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals as he carried out a couple of cats in crates.

Another room held stained and sodden mattresses on the floor, while the walls were painted a deep, dark blue. A group of orange tabbies, gray and white short-hairs and black cats watched intently.

“No, no, no, these colors are all wrong,” Yip said. “We need to lighten the palate up a little bit. I’m thinking a nice yellow, which will serve the dual purpose of concealing any spraying the cats might do on the walls.”

He further laid out plans to build “cat cubbies” in several rooms to collate and organize the feline population. Yip also decided he wants to construct cabinets that look like ovens and microwaves for the homeowner to store empty food boxes, important papers and other trash.

“I really think you’re going to do a furtastic job,” homeowner Mary Nothon said before removing several kittens from her hair. “But I think the design needs more cats.”

On Tuesday, undercover agents approached a man later identified as Napalitano standing outside the Izod Center in a puffy coat asking passers-by, “Need tickets? Need tickets?” When one of the investigators asked Napalitano how many he had, the scalper replied, “All of them.”

“It was actually pretty impressive,” Det. Dan Carney said. “He fanned out 30,000 tickets in one hand like a magician with a deck of cards. Everything was organized by section and row number.”

“The guy even had backstage passes, although he wanted more than just cash for those,” the detective continued. “I don’t want to get into details, but let me just note for the record, ‘I’m goin to see Springsteen!’”

It was unclear how the 42-year-old unemployed man who lives with his mother in a basement apartment on Schuyler Avenue wound up with tickets for every seat to the two shows in May that Springsteen and the E Street Band will perform at the Meadowlands. Authorities said Napalitano told them he got most of the tickets from “a friend” who didn’t need them and found the others in a brown paper bag on the sidewalk.

But inside Napalitano’s coat, police found a business card from Ticketmaster CEO Sean Moriarty. On the back of the card was a note, “Call me when you sell all of these. I may have some more.”

Ticketmaster spokesman Albert Lopez declined to comment on the case, other than to say, “Those who were able to solve the Goldbach conjecture math problem were given an opportunity to then fight a black bear for the chance to log onto our website with a dial-up connection and buy our wide selection of tickets in section 240, row Z, seats 29 and 30.”

In related news, Ticketmaster has agreed with regulators to now include actual tickets in the prices it charges for tickets.