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Joseph Coniglio and the "Pierre"

Joseph Coniglio and the "Pierre"

Jurors in former state senator Joseph Coniglio’s political corruption case cleared him of mail fraud and extortion charges, but convicted the Democrat and his toupee of conspiracy and other counts not actually contained in the indictment.

As the court clerk read through the verdict form, Coniglio began crying quietly. His hairpiece showed no reaction.

The federal jury in Newark did not seem bothered by the fact it convicted the Bergen County resident and his hairpiece of charges that weren’t part of the original indictment, including criminal impersonation, assault and torture.

“We read the law. What Mr. Coniglio did in that courtroom for three weeks, by forcing us to look at the dead squirrel slapped on his skull and act like he had a full, natural head of hair, clearly constitutes torture,” jury forewoman Nancy Blanchard said. “I, for one, would rather be water boarded at some black site CIA prison in Uzbekistan.”

Several jurors who spoke after the verdict pointed to federal criminal code, Title 18, Chapter 113C, which describes torture as “an act committed by a person …specifically intended to inflict severe physical or mental pain or suffering upon another person within his custody or physical control.”

The hairpiece, a helmet of synthetic fibers parted on the left side (and only the left side) and made to appear to be graying, is befitting a man of Coniglio’s stature and 66 years. Receipts introduced at trial indicate the former plumber purchased his “Pierre” toupee from BestWigOutlet.com, for $371.25.

“I’m pretty sure I saw it lunge at one of the prosecutors during closing arguments,” juror Brad Andrews said. “But a bailiff kind of pointed to his service weapon and the hairpiece settled down.”

Jurors said they spent little time deliberating on the original charges the government brought against Coniglio, who was accused of accepting a consulting job for $5,000 a month at Hackensack University Medical Center while using his influence on the senate budget committee to funnel more than $10 million in state money to the hospital.

“This is New Jersey,” forewoman Blanchard said. “Who are we to deprive marginally qualified state politicians the right to participate in and take advantage of the Jersey dream?”

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Bianchi in the courtroom

Bianchi in the courtroom

In the law enforcement publication, “Prosecutors’ Pranks and Practical Jokes,” Morris County Prosecutor Robert Bianchi acknowledged a Hanover man’s 1994 first-degree murder conviction and subsequent life sentence were obtained in jest to illustrate the gullibility of juries.

In the April issue of the magazine, (which in the 1950s ran the seminal “Railroading the Rosenbergs,”) prosecutor Robert Bianchi disclosed how he and another attorney were able to convince a jury that Albert Barkwell killed his neighbor with a 12-pound eggplant grown in his backyard garden.

“We were talking one night about how they always say you can indict a ham sandwich. But can you convict on an eggplant parm?” Bianchi wrote. “So we decided to conduct an experiment involving a purple vegetable, an innocent man and Entemann’s Crumb Coffee Cake. The cake didn’t have anything to do with our plan, but you try resisting that cinnamony goodness.”

The lawyers settled on Barkwell, a single man in his 40s at the time, because he lived next door to old man Peters, who at 97 already had one foot out the door. They took the fact that Barkwell often provided Peters meals and helped maintain Peters’ house and turned it against him.

“In reality, this guy Barkwell was well intentioned, but introduce a $1 million life insurance policy into evidence at trial and suddenly someone’s got some ’splain’ to do,” Bianchi wrote. “Of course, the insurance policy was part of another fraud case in our office, but do you think the jury even looked at the document?”

In the end it took jurors 45 minutes to convict, a half an hour of which was spent ordering lunch.

“I almost started laughing when they returned a guilty verdict, but that’s not proper decorum in a murder trial,” the prosecutor wrote. “Still, I’m coming forward now because I think I’ve made my point.”

Barkwell, a slight man who is now known as “Alice” at Trenton State Prison, seemed to take the whole situation in stride.

“This was a tremendous waste of law enforcement time and resources, which could have been used to pursue other, presumably real, crimes,” Barkwell said while another inmate worked on his 14th prison tattoo. “On the other hand, the prosecutor did acknowledge his actions and promised to send me some canteen money and the next Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition so I’m good.”

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Vern Yip prepares to tackle the Chester cat hoarder house

Vern Yip prepares to tackle the Chester cat hoarder house

HGTV star Vern Yip and his “Deserving Design” crew have arrived in Chester Township, where they’ll show a woman living with nearly 100 cats in a feces-laden, urine-stained million dollar home how to make it all work.

“I’m always looking for special people who just need a little bit of design sunshine in their lives to make everything better,” Yip said. “And when I heard about this exceptional woman who stuffed mail and an empty can of ShopRite beets in her oven, and kept a two-foot-high pile of cat shit in her living room, I knew it was Yip-eee time.”

Touring the expansive brick mansion as part of his pre-show research, Yip noted the urine-stained Steinway piano and Queen Anne couch with shredded cushions and caked-on feces had a lot of potential.

“We’re going to transform this place from crazy cat lady into fabulous feline living,” Yip said though a respirator he wore to cut the stench. “I think I just stepped in the litter box.”

“This whole house is a litter box,” said Lt. Dwight Findlay of the New Jersey Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals as he carried out a couple of cats in crates.

Another room held stained and sodden mattresses on the floor, while the walls were painted a deep, dark blue. A group of orange tabbies, gray and white short-hairs and black cats watched intently.

“No, no, no, these colors are all wrong,” Yip said. “We need to lighten the palate up a little bit. I’m thinking a nice yellow, which will serve the dual purpose of concealing any spraying the cats might do on the walls.”

He further laid out plans to build “cat cubbies” in several rooms to collate and organize the feline population. Yip also decided he wants to construct cabinets that look like ovens and microwaves for the homeowner to store empty food boxes, important papers and other trash.

“I really think you’re going to do a furtastic job,” homeowner Mary Nothon said before removing several kittens from her hair. “But I think the design needs more cats.”

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bruceState Police arrested North Arlington resident Paul Napalitano after finding him with almost all of the supposedly unavailable Bruce Springsteen concert tickets that went on sale earlier this week.

On Tuesday, undercover agents approached a man later identified as Napalitano standing outside the Izod Center in a puffy coat asking passers-by, “Need tickets? Need tickets?” When one of the investigators asked Napalitano how many he had, the scalper replied, “All of them.”

“It was actually pretty impressive,” Det. Dan Carney said. “He fanned out 30,000 tickets in one hand like a magician with a deck of cards. Everything was organized by section and row number.”

“The guy even had backstage passes, although he wanted more than just cash for those,” the detective continued. “I don’t want to get into details, but let me just note for the record, ‘I’m goin to see Springsteen!’”

It was unclear how the 42-year-old unemployed man who lives with his mother in a basement apartment on Schuyler Avenue wound up with tickets for every seat to the two shows in May that Springsteen and the E Street Band will perform at the Meadowlands. Authorities said Napalitano told them he got most of the tickets from “a friend” who didn’t need them and found the others in a brown paper bag on the sidewalk.

But inside Napalitano’s coat, police found a business card from Ticketmaster CEO Sean Moriarty. On the back of the card was a note, “Call me when you sell all of these. I may have some more.”

Ticketmaster spokesman Albert Lopez declined to comment on the case, other than to say, “Those who were able to solve the Goldbach conjecture math problem were given an opportunity to then fight a black bear for the chance to log onto our website with a dial-up connection and buy our wide selection of tickets in section 240, row Z, seats 29 and 30.”

In related news, Ticketmaster has agreed with regulators to now include actual tickets in the prices it charges for tickets.

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