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Local NJ Government Workers: We’ll Leave if Free Kidneys, Other Perks, Taken Away

December 7, 2009 in Government, News | No comments

Harrison workers protest cutting their perks.

Harrison workers protest cutting their perks.

Municipal employees in hundreds of towns across New Jersey are threatening to walk off the job if perks such as free kidneys and livers, and a Cambodian house boy upon retirement are taken from them.

The workers, reacting to a state investigation that revealed close to $40 million in excessive benefits to local government employees, said there’s no reason to change.

“Those idiots in Trenton need to learn the expression, ‘If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,’” said Charles Vanderbale, a Rockaway Township public works employee with 34 years on the job who noted he’s already factored the Cambodian house boy into his retirement planning. “Do you realize how expensive it would be for me to go out somewhere and pay retail for daily foot massages? People just don’t understand my $125,000 annual pension and full medical will only go so far.”

The scathing report by the State Commission of Investigation found places such as Bernardsville, Harrison and Summit routinely offer its workers their choice of organ transplants and master keys that unlock every home in their particular township.

“It’s one of those things that was just given to everyone over the years,” retired Harrison police Chief Stan Sullivan said. “I’m pretty sure I would have had to stop drinking if I hadn’t been able to get that six-pack of livers over the years. But that didn’t just benefit me. The town got an extra three or four years out of me on the job, even if that last year I didn’t actually have to show up because of accrued sick time.”

Local municipal workers stressed they gave up more promising opportunities in the private sector, opportunities that they could easily take advantage of if New Jersey politicians started toying with their hard-earned benefits.

“Here’s the thing. I have a GED and 27 years of experience putting papers in manila folders,” Victory Gardens filing clerk Maria Andersen said defiantly. “If the state of New Jersey thinks it can just up and replace someone with those kind of qualifications, then be my guest.”

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NJ GOP, Conservatives: Sandwiches Should Only Be Between Peanut Butter and Jelly

September 30, 2009 in Government, News | 3 comments

The only sandwich combo God intended, conservatives say.

The only sandwich combo God intended, conservatives say.

Republican lawmakers and conservative activists in New Jersey are pushing for an amendment to the state constitution that would ban same-topping sandwiches.

The groups said they will begin a push to have the issue placed on the ballot next year and let Garden State residents - not legislators - decide whether it should be legal for someone to make a peanut butter and peanut butter sandwich.

“This is not about discrimination. This is about what is moral, what is right,” state Sen. Gerald Cardinale (R-Bergen) told reporters. “Peanut butter and jelly were meant to go together. You know, PB&J just sounds right. PB&PB or J&J? That’s sick.”

“We’re not trying to legislate what you do in the kitchen,” Cardinale continued between bites of an American cheese sandwich. “But this state of ours is headed down a path I don’t think any of us wants to go and it all comes back to the sandwich.”

Gregory Quinlan, director of government affairs for New Jersey Sandwich First, said putting only peanut butter or jelly on both slices of bread tears at the fabric of society.

“And don’t even get me started on the depravity of a peanut butter and banana sandwich,” Quinlan said. “It’s an affront to nature. Besides, what kind of message are we sending to our children?”

Gov. Jon Corzine has long advocated for tolerance on the question of same-topping sandwiches and reiterated his desire for the legislature to pass a bill allowing such combinations.

“The governor’s on the record supporting fairness and equality for all sandwiches,” spokesman Sean Darcy said. “In fact, he just ate a peanut butter and Marshmallow Fluff sandwich today for lunch.”

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Independent Gov. Candidate Daggett Receives Participation Ribbon

September 8, 2009 in Government, News | No comments

Chris Daggett displaying his participation ribbon.

Chris Daggett displaying his participation ribbon.

New Jersey election officials presented independent gubernatorial candidate Chris Daggett a special blue ribbon for taking part in the governor’s race and a coupon for a free 20-ounce soda with purchase of a 6-inch sub at Subway.

“While there will be winners and losers in the upcoming election, let’s not focus on such pejorative terms that categorize someone as one or the other,” said Robert Giles, director of the state Division of Elections. “Everyone involved, including Chris Daggett, participated and that’s nearly as important as winning one of the most powerful governorships in the nation.”

Although the actual election still is two months away, officials said they wanted to recognize Daggett now so he could proudly wear the participation ribbon on his wide array of polo shirts during campaign stops. The ribbon says, “Participant. NJ gubernatorial race, 2009.”

“I am grateful to have received this wonderful honor that I should note is not handed out to just anyone on the street,” Daggett said to himself at an empty news conference. “You have to be a participant in the governor’s race. That’s me. I participated.”

Gov. Jon Corzine paid $475,000 for his participation ribbon, while GOP challenger Chris Christie refused a ribbon, saying the American flag badge he wears proves he’s the only true patriot among the candidates.

Later, during a conference call, Daggett was asked how he was spending the public funding he qualified for. “Well, Old Navy had a sale on polos and you can never have too many of those,” he said.

Daggett also said he was busy preparing for the upcoming candidate debates, studying his key issues such as education, ethics, the environment and other things that begin with “e.” However, a leaked copy of questions that will be asked at the debate indicates the most probing query on tap for Daggett is, “What did you have for breakfast?”

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Weekend At Moammars: Gadhafi Planning Blowout At Englewood Estate

August 27, 2009 in Government, News | 2 comments

Moammar Gadhafi plans to kick it in Englewood

Moammar Gadhafi plans to kick it in Englewood

Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi has been lining up caterers, bands and folk dancers for a weekend-long bash next month in northern New Jersey to celebrate his first trip to the U.S.

Construction crews have been busy landscaping the 4.7-acre estate in Englewood by clearing all trees within a 7-mile radius, creating a barren landscape so Gadhafi will feel at home. Workers also have been making repairs to a 25-room mansion on the property in advance of the Terror from Tripoli’s arrival in September, although Gadhafi has said he’ll stay in a tent on the front lawn.

“We make, how you say, Playboy mansion for east,” Libyan Ambassador to the U.S. Ali Aujali said in an interview. “The colonel request a private grotto filled with babaghanuj for him to know very better these easy women you call Jersey girls.”

VIPs from Gov. Jon Corzine to next-door neighbor Rabbi Shmuley Boteach have been invited to the party that also will honor Abdel Baset al-Megrahi, who recently was released from prison for bombing Pan Am Flight 103 over Lockerbie, Scotland.

“We will kick it so hard it will make those gatherings P. Diddy has in the Hamptons look like a kids’ pizza party at Chuck E. Cheese,” Gadhafi’s website said. “And don’t miss my son, Hannibal, spinning the block rockin’ beats of a one-stringed violin and bamboo flute.”

Gadhafi, who despite rising to power during a coup in 1969 and acting as figurehead of the North African country for the past 40 years has been unable to rise above the rank of colonel, has told aides he also wants to win a framed Van Halen mirror at the Point Pleasant boardwalk.

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NJ DEP Issues Air Quality Alert After Chris Christie Eats Taco Bell

August 17, 2009 in Government, News | No comments

Chris Christie and his running mate, about to dive into lunch.

Chris Christie and his running mate, about to dive into lunch.

New Jersey environmental officials are warning young children, the elderly and people with respiratory diseases to remain inside until further notice after they learned GOP gubernatorial candidate Chris Christie had two cheesy double beef burritos, a Gordita supreme and volcano nachos for lunch.

The alert noted air quality levels were expected to reach the “Unhealthy for Sensitive Groups category throughout New Jersey during the afternoon and early evening hours,” which would coincide with the fast food Mexican meal making its way through Christie’s stomach, small intestines and large intestines. Officials said there likely would be a steep decline in air quality at some point within the next 24 hours before the crisis passes.

“This is not a drill. This is not an exercise meant to scare the general public when no threat exists,” DEP Commissioner Mark Mauriello said at a news conference in Trenton. “When our surveillance teams learned what was happening they called it in right away. I mean, my God man, volcano nachos? Think of the children. Just think of the children!”

Christie’s campaign acknowledged the candidate, who enjoys a comfortable lead over Gov. Jon Corzine in the polls, treated himself and some staff to a Mexican fiesta lunch at a Taco Bell on Route 22 in Green Brook after a campaign stop. But spokesman Bill Stepien railed against the Department of Environmental Protection’s action and said Mauriello was just a gas bag doing Corzine’s bidding.

“So Chris had some Mexican food. So what? He also took Extra Strength Gas-X. But you don’t hear the state talking about that, do you?” Stepien said. “And what about Jon Corzine? We have information the governor and his rich friends feasted on meat cooked rare at a fancy steak house in Hoboken. You want to talk about air quality concerns, look no further. But again, you won’t hear that from so-called ‘independent state agencies.’”

Mauriello stood by the alert and denied any political motivation.

“This isn’t about Republicans or Democrats. Taco Bell will do this to candidates from either party, but in this case, Mr. Christie’s intake was such that we had serious emission concerns,” he said. “In the end, we just want to save lives.”

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