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Beached Whale Carcass Elected Mayor of Hoboken

August 3, 2009 in Crime, Government, News | 1 comment

Jack Shaw showing off his latest political protege

Jack Shaw showing off his latest political protege

The rotting, battered carcass of a dead humpback whale that washed ashore on Monmouth Beach was elected mayor of Hoboken, replacing the city’s prior leader who resigned after being arrested in a massive corruption scandal.

The whale, which did not respond to repeated requests for comment, was elected with 95 percent of the vote, according to election officials. Voter turnout was high, with 97 percent of registered voters casting their ballot, despite no advance public notice about the election.

“We’re certain this was a clean and fair election with no irregularities,” city clerk James Farina said moments after the polls closed, which was just 3 minutes after they opened. “Once again, the citizens of Hoboken exercised their voting rights with enthusiasm and showed why this city is a shining example of democracy in action for not only the rest of the state, but also the nation.”

The mayor’s post became available after the resignation of Peter Cammarano III, who is one of dozens charged in a federal political corruption case. The whale apparently became a lock after political consultant Jack Shaw attached himself to the marine mammal’s campaign.

Shaw was found dead the same day the dead whale was elected.

“Jack wasn’t a show-off, but he said to me, ‘I’ve got Hudson County so locked down, I could even get a putrid, decaying whale carcass elected,’” a friend recalled. “I said, ‘I bet you can’t.’ Boy was I wrong. Do you smell something?”

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NJ League of Municipalities Moves Annual Conference to Fort Dix Federal Prison

July 24, 2009 in Crime, Government, News | 1 comment

Fort Dix, site of the next NJ League of Municipalities conference

Fort Dix, site of the next NJ League of Municipalities conference

Citing the need to keep up with the changing residency of its membership, the New Jersey State League of Municipalities said it will hold its upcoming annual conference at the Federal Correctional Institution at Fort Dix.

While the league has more than 13,000 members, consisting of mayors and elected or appointed local officials, Executive Director Bill Dressel said attendance has been dropping during the past few conventions.

“Not everyone can get a prison furlough to make it,” Dressel said. “So we decided, hey, let’s go where our members are. Most years that’s Atlantic City. This year, well, it’s somewhere else. But at least we’re guaranteed to have a good turnout.”

The 2008 gathering was dubbed “Challenges and Changes, A Time for New Ideas.” This year, staff has settled on “Getting Things Done, Everyone Has Their Price.”

Organizers said the 4-day event scheduled for November is packed with useful workshops and educational seminars, including “Perfecting the Perp Walk: How to Look Your Best” and “Letter Sized or Manila Envelopes? The Best Way to Accept ‘Contributions.’”

“I wish they had held this conference about three months ago,” Hoboken Mayor Peter Cammarano said from a holding cell. “Then again, good politicians learn from their mistakes and as it turns out, I think I may have a fair amount of free time in the next few years to really study up on things.”

Dressel said this year’s conference has been certified kosher by a group of Orthodox rabbis from Monmouth and Ocean counties.

“These are men of God,” he said. “If they give their blessing to something, that’s as good as cash in the bank.”

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NJ Gov. Corzine Settles On Running Mate: Barack Obama

July 17, 2009 in Government, News | 2 comments

Running mates Corzine and Obama wave to supporters.

Running mates Corzine and Obama wave to supporters.

Charismatic, eloquent, smart, electable. Those are the words New Jersey Gov. Jon Corzine used to describe his long-awaited choice for lieutenant governor and running mate, President Obama.

At a campaign rally at the PNC Bank Arts Center in Holmdel, Corzine introduced his second-in-command to thousands of enthusiastic supporters.

“I share your values, I share your commitment and I share the sense of purpose you bring to public life,” Corzine said at the event, where crowds waved “Corzine/Obama ‘09″ placards. “Now if I could just share your approval ratings, we’d all be breathing a little easier. Ha ha….Who wrote this crap? Michael, you’re fired!”

The Corzine campaign has been searching for months for a suitable running mate who can help the governor overcome a sizeable lead in the polls enjoyed by Republican challenger Chris Christie. Although many names have been floated, from Newark Mayor Cory Booker to one-time Apprentice winner Randal Pinkett, aides to Corzine said none carry the star power of Barack Obama.

“We understand Obama may have other priorities as leader of the free world,” one senior Corzine adviser said. “But listen, the lieutenant governor’s job is much like the vice president’s - it’s largely ceremonial. A ribbon cutting in Clark, a groundbreaking in Somerset. We estimate the president will probably need to devote at most a couple of hours a week to the job.”

For his part, Obama seemed to accept his new role with Corzine in the same way a condemned inmate approaches the electric chair.

“You’ve decided it’s time for change. You’re willing to face the future unafraid. If you do that, if you stand with us…if you reelect Jon Corzine, there is nothing that’s going to stop us, New Jersey,” the president said in a monotone voice.

“Okay, let’s blow this shithole of a state. Oh, the mic is still on? I love you New Jersey!”

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NJ Celebrates 345 Years of Getting Crapped On

June 26, 2009 in Government, News | 1 comment

The original 1664 royal grant creating New Jersey

The original 1664 royal grant creating New Jersey

Elected officials and other dignitaries gathered in Trenton to celebrate nearly three and a half centuries of scorn, mocking and derision aimed at New Jersey.

“For 345 years, New Jersey has fulfilled an important role in our nation’s history and before that as an English colony - to be shit upon as unworthy,” Gov. Jon Corzine said. “We embraced our part and responded in one unified voice by saying, ‘Fuck you.’”

The festivities honoring the armpit of the nation included the display of a rare historical document: the June 1664 Royal Grant issued by King Charles II’s brother, James, Duke of York establishing an English colony named New Jersey. According to the grant, “said tract of land is hereafter to be called by the name or names of New Caeserea, New Jersey or Landfill for New Amsterdam.”

The land was presented to John Lord Berkeley and Sir George Carteret, who upon learning of their good fortune, reportedly replied, “We must retrieveth our IROC-Zs and wife-beater smocks with post-haste.”

A portion of the day-long celebration included an open mic for anyone to tell their favorite joke about Jersey and the dedication of a new playground.

“Despite our reputation, New Jersey likes to recycle and in keeping with that commitment, I’d just like to tell all the happy parents here that your children are currently playing in dirt recovered from the U.S. Radium Corp. superfund site,” announced Mark Mauriello, commissioner of the state Department of Environmental Protection.

The day went off mostly without incident. But there was a brief interruption during Corzine’s speech when a heckler shouted, “What exit! Ha ha ha!”

However, Education Commissioner Lucille Davy quickly jumped off the podium, removed one of her high heels and repeatedly stabbed the heckler in the neck, screaming, “What exit! How about the final exit, you piece of shit?!”

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State-Sanctioned Tax Beatings Bring in $800 Million Windfall For NJ

June 19, 2009 in Government, News | No comments

NJ residents hoping to avoid "Tase for Taxes"

NJ residents hoping to avoid "Tase for Taxes"

New Jersey officials have expressed surprise at the amount of past-due taxes being collected by gangs of teens, out-of-work bouncers and senior citizens armed with Tasers.

The collection program, dubbed “Tase for Taxes,” has brought in so much money - more than $800 million so far - that legislators are hastily adding pet projects back in the state budget that already includes a museum documenting the rise of malls in New Jersey and a bridge connecting Trenton to Atlantic City.

Gov. Jon Corzine said he came up with the idea while watching reruns of The Sopranos with Senate President Richard Codey. The two, who had been discussing ways to collect billions in unpaid state taxes, settled on recruiting under-employed segments of the community.

“With unemployment running much higher among disaffected youth, crotchety old people and beefy guys with felony records, we decided to tackle two problems at once,” Codey said. “It really is a win-win situation all around. Except for those who didn’t pay their taxes.”

Tax “collectors” receive 1 percent of whatever they bring in, although some said they were doing it for the sheer joy of a job well done.

“I haven’t had this much fun since 1978 when I hogtied that rat bastard neighborhood kid Donnie upside down in a tree for trampling through my flower bed,” 85-year-old Melvin Dobb said. “In fact, I think I may have tased him as part of this cockamamie tax program. Damn fool wet his pants, just like before. Where’s my Metamucil?”

One particularly industrious group of teens from Jersey City who took a bus to Morris County collected $850,000 from tax cheats in less than a week. “Our success was all about a good work ethic,” said one 18-year-old member of the gang. “Well, that and the threat of having 20 teenagers high on meth go ape shit on them.”

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