Mertman and his Escalade won the Garden State Parkway 150
Despite heavy competition from a complete asshole in a BMW 325i and a douche driving a lowered Honda Civic, a dick from Paramus managed to take the checkered flag in the Garden State Parkway 150, which was run while shore traffic was returning to North Jersey.
The road race, held late Sunday afternoon without participants’ knowledge, started down the shore at Parkway Exit 82 and ended when John Mertman forced his 2008 Escalade EXT onto the off ramp in front of a long line of cars waiting at Exit 165 in Bergen County. Mertman, an assistant bond trader, celebrated by sticking his sunburned arm out the car window, giving everyone the finger and screeching his tires while pulling onto Oradell Avenue.
“I have to say, that guy was the biggest dick I’ve seen on the road in quite some time,” said traveler Bob Fritz, who was returning from the shore with his wife and kids. “I first noticed him at the Cheesequake rest area. He naturally parked his truck at an angle so it took up two handicapped spaces. Then later, when we were in stop-and-go traffic, I thought he was going to ram an old lady in a Taurus because she left a little space between herself and the car in front of her.”
Mertman, who outfitted his Escalade with 24-inch rims and black-out tint on the windows, spent the weekend with his bros hanging out at the beach in Seaside Heights and drinking at the Bamboo Bar. He acknowledged he may have been “a little buzzed” when he started driving home Sunday.
“I could have sworn that guy threw a Corona bottle out of his window at about mile marker 94,” driver Sara Gorlick said. “That seemed to coincide with him pulling onto the shoulder when traffic came to a stop and making that his own lane. What a dick.”
Other motorists said Mertman’s maneuvers also included weaving in and out of lanes without signaling, tailgating, flashing his high beams, leaning on his horn, refusing to allow merging traffic ahead of him and berating other drivers with profanity-laced tirades.
