Harrison workers protest cutting their perks.

Municipal employees in hundreds of towns across New Jersey are threatening to walk off the job if perks such as free kidneys and livers, and a Cambodian house boy upon retirement are taken from them.

The workers, reacting to a state investigation that revealed close to $40 million in excessive benefits to local government employees, said there’s no reason to change.

“Those idiots in Trenton need to learn the expression, ‘If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,’” said Charles Vanderbale, a Rockaway Township public works employee with 34 years on the job who noted he’s already factored the Cambodian house boy into his retirement planning. “Do you realize how expensive it would be for me to go out somewhere and pay retail for daily foot massages? People just don’t understand my $125,000 annual pension and full medical will only go so far.”

The scathing report by the State Commission of Investigation found places such as Bernardsville, Harrison and Summit routinely offer its workers their choice of organ transplants and master keys that unlock every home in their particular township.

“It’s one of those things that was just given to everyone over the years,” retired Harrison police Chief Stan Sullivan said. “I’m pretty sure I would have had to stop drinking if I hadn’t been able to get that six-pack of livers over the years. But that didn’t just benefit me. The town got an extra three or four years out of me on the job, even if that last year I didn’t actually have to show up because of accrued sick time.”

Local municipal workers stressed they gave up more promising opportunities in the private sector, opportunities that they could easily take advantage of if New Jersey politicians started toying with their hard-earned benefits.

“Here’s the thing. I have a GED and 27 years of experience putting papers in manila folders,” Victory Gardens filing clerk Maria Andersen said defiantly. “If the state of New Jersey thinks it can just up and replace someone with those kind of qualifications, then be my guest.”

Conan O'Brien, at right, about to get a beatdown

Doctors at University Hospital in Newark were scrambling to treat Conan O’Brien after the Tonight Show host was stabbed, shot and beaten, but were unsure whether a bus ticket to Topeka would be enough to save him.

“Medicine has come a long way…in other cities,” emergency room physician Max Rapapport said at a news conference. “Unfortunately for Mr. O’Brien, our options are limited here. We thought about giving him a bus ticket to Pittsburgh, but in the end, it was clear a trip to Topeka was warranted.”

O’Brien ran into problems after cracking a joke about the city to a group of residents on Irvine Turner Boulevard. They promptly attacked him.

“Is that all you’ve got?” O’Brien quipped after someone in the crowd on the street knifed him in the back. “My 3-year-old son gives me worse when I try to put him down for a nap.”

Witnesses said a 3-year-old boy then pulled out a Glock .40mm and shot O’Brien several times. Stray bullets also killed two bystanders.

“Okay, that stung a little, but still,” the comedian countered. “And who nicknames a place Brick City? Oooh, I’d like to live in aluminum siding city!”

“That’s when someone threw a brick that hit Conan upside the head,” one resident said. “After he went down on the sidewalk, everyone lined up single-file to kick him in the ribs. It was very orderly.”

Through an NBC spokesman in Hollywood, Tonight Show sidekick Andy Richter said, “Newark is a great city. Don’t forget to watch tomorrow night as I host what will be a great show! my show. Finally!”

The only sandwich combo God intended, conservatives say.

Republican lawmakers and conservative activists in New Jersey are pushing for an amendment to the state constitution that would ban same-topping sandwiches.

The groups said they will begin a push to have the issue placed on the ballot next year and let Garden State residents - not legislators - decide whether it should be legal for someone to make a peanut butter and peanut butter sandwich.

“This is not about discrimination. This is about what is moral, what is right,” state Sen. Gerald Cardinale (R-Bergen) told reporters. “Peanut butter and jelly were meant to go together. You know, PB&J just sounds right. PB&PB or J&J? That’s sick.”

“We’re not trying to legislate what you do in the kitchen,” Cardinale continued between bites of an American cheese sandwich. “But this state of ours is headed down a path I don’t think any of us wants to go and it all comes back to the sandwich.”

Gregory Quinlan, director of government affairs for New Jersey Sandwich First, said putting only peanut butter or jelly on both slices of bread tears at the fabric of society.

“And don’t even get me started on the depravity of a peanut butter and banana sandwich,” Quinlan said. “It’s an affront to nature. Besides, what kind of message are we sending to our children?”

Gov. Jon Corzine has long advocated for tolerance on the question of same-topping sandwiches and reiterated his desire for the legislature to pass a bill allowing such combinations.

“The governor’s on the record supporting fairness and equality for all sandwiches,” spokesman Sean Darcy said. “In fact, he just ate a peanut butter and Marshmallow Fluff sandwich today for lunch.”

Chris Daggett displaying his participation ribbon.

New Jersey election officials presented independent gubernatorial candidate Chris Daggett a special blue ribbon for taking part in the governor’s race and a coupon for a free 20-ounce soda with purchase of a 6-inch sub at Subway.

“While there will be winners and losers in the upcoming election, let’s not focus on such pejorative terms that categorize someone as one or the other,” said Robert Giles, director of the state Division of Elections. “Everyone involved, including Chris Daggett, participated and that’s nearly as important as winning one of the most powerful governorships in the nation.”

Although the actual election still is two months away, officials said they wanted to recognize Daggett now so he could proudly wear the participation ribbon on his wide array of polo shirts during campaign stops. The ribbon says, “Participant. NJ gubernatorial race, 2009.”

“I am grateful to have received this wonderful honor that I should note is not handed out to just anyone on the street,” Daggett said to himself at an empty news conference. “You have to be a participant in the governor’s race. That’s me. I participated.”

Gov. Jon Corzine paid $475,000 for his participation ribbon, while GOP challenger Chris Christie refused a ribbon, saying the American flag badge he wears proves he’s the only true patriot among the candidates.

Later, during a conference call, Daggett was asked how he was spending the public funding he qualified for. “Well, Old Navy had a sale on polos and you can never have too many of those,” he said.

Daggett also said he was busy preparing for the upcoming candidate debates, studying his key issues such as education, ethics, the environment and other things that begin with “e.” However, a leaked copy of questions that will be asked at the debate indicates the most probing query on tap for Daggett is, “What did you have for breakfast?”

Moammar Gadhafi plans to kick it in Englewood

Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi has been lining up caterers, bands and folk dancers for a weekend-long bash next month in northern New Jersey to celebrate his first trip to the U.S.

Construction crews have been busy landscaping the 4.7-acre estate in Englewood by clearing all trees within a 7-mile radius, creating a barren landscape so Gadhafi will feel at home. Workers also have been making repairs to a 25-room mansion on the property in advance of the Terror from Tripoli’s arrival in September, although Gadhafi has said he’ll stay in a tent on the front lawn.

“We make, how you say, Playboy mansion for east,” Libyan Ambassador to the U.S. Ali Aujali said in an interview. “The colonel request a private grotto filled with babaghanuj for him to know very better these easy women you call Jersey girls.”

VIPs from Gov. Jon Corzine to next-door neighbor Rabbi Shmuley Boteach have been invited to the party that also will honor Abdel Baset al-Megrahi, who recently was released from prison for bombing Pan Am Flight 103 over Lockerbie, Scotland.

“We will kick it so hard it will make those gatherings P. Diddy has in the Hamptons look like a kids’ pizza party at Chuck E. Cheese,” Gadhafi’s website said. “And don’t miss my son, Hannibal, spinning the block rockin’ beats of a one-stringed violin and bamboo flute.”

Gadhafi, who despite rising to power during a coup in 1969 and acting as figurehead of the North African country for the past 40 years has been unable to rise above the rank of colonel, has told aides he also wants to win a framed Van Halen mirror at the Point Pleasant boardwalk.

Chris Christie and his running mate, about to dive into lunch.

New Jersey environmental officials are warning young children, the elderly and people with respiratory diseases to remain inside until further notice after they learned GOP gubernatorial candidate Chris Christie had two cheesy double beef burritos, a Gordita supreme and volcano nachos for lunch.

The alert noted air quality levels were expected to reach the “Unhealthy for Sensitive Groups category throughout New Jersey during the afternoon and early evening hours,” which would coincide with the fast food Mexican meal making its way through Christie’s stomach, small intestines and large intestines. Officials said there likely would be a steep decline in air quality at some point within the next 24 hours before the crisis passes.

“This is not a drill. This is not an exercise meant to scare the general public when no threat exists,” DEP Commissioner Mark Mauriello said at a news conference in Trenton. “When our surveillance teams learned what was happening they called it in right away. I mean, my God man, volcano nachos? Think of the children. Just think of the children!”

Christie’s campaign acknowledged the candidate, who enjoys a comfortable lead over Gov. Jon Corzine in the polls, treated himself and some staff to a Mexican fiesta lunch at a Taco Bell on Route 22 in Green Brook after a campaign stop. But spokesman Bill Stepien railed against the Department of Environmental Protection’s action and said Mauriello was just a gas bag doing Corzine’s bidding.

“So Chris had some Mexican food. So what? He also took Extra Strength Gas-X. But you don’t hear the state talking about that, do you?” Stepien said. “And what about Jon Corzine? We have information the governor and his rich friends feasted on meat cooked rare at a fancy steak house in Hoboken. You want to talk about air quality concerns, look no further. But again, you won’t hear that from so-called ‘independent state agencies.’”

Mauriello stood by the alert and denied any political motivation.

“This isn’t about Republicans or Democrats. Taco Bell will do this to candidates from either party, but in this case, Mr. Christie’s intake was such that we had serious emission concerns,” he said. “In the end, we just want to save lives.”

Ralph Hulbeck talks to reporters about the news story he saw.

A Hackettstown man who witnessed a news story about an airplane and helicopter that collided over the Hudson River said he would have missed the report if he hadn’t temporarily misplaced the TV remote.

Ralph Hulbeck said he wanted to change the channel after watching the Bruce Willis classic “Hart’s War,” but lost the remote somewhere in the couch cushions.

“Before I knew it, the evening news came on and they were talking about an airplane and a helicopter that hit each other in mid air over the Hudson,” a visibly shaken Hulbeck said outside his house, surrounded by reporters. “I was like, ‘Oh my God, did I just see that? I mean, I was minding my own business, thinking about why Bruce’s character came back when he knew he would be shot by the Germans, and bam, all of a sudden, this guy is talking about a mid-air collision that happened hours ago.

“The image of that news anchor is just seared into my brain. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the pancake makeup on his face.”

Hulbeck, an air conditioner repairman, said he knew something serious had happened because of a graphic that came up just as the news started that said, “Death Over The Hudson.” Then, he said, the station went to a reporter standing near some water who talked for a little while followed by an animation of what might have happened if Capt. Sullenberger had been flying the plane and a promo about possible showers coming in overnight.

Hulbeck told reporters that if he knew where the remote was, he would have switched to a rerun of “The King of Queens.”

“This is what cooks my noodle: If the remote hadn’t gotten pushed under a pillow on the couch, I would have punched in zero-nine on that clicker and been watching Kevin James do what he does best,” Hulbeck said. “Instead, by mere chance, I was witness to something that sent chills down my spine. Well, Kevin James sometimes sends chills down my spine, but this was different. God really does work in mysterious ways.”

Jack Shaw showing off his latest political protege

The rotting, battered carcass of a dead humpback whale that washed ashore on Monmouth Beach was elected mayor of Hoboken, replacing the city’s prior leader who resigned after being arrested in a massive corruption scandal.

The whale, which did not respond to repeated requests for comment, was elected with 95 percent of the vote, according to election officials. Voter turnout was high, with 97 percent of registered voters casting their ballot, despite no advance public notice about the election.

“We’re certain this was a clean and fair election with no irregularities,” city clerk James Farina said moments after the polls closed, which was just 3 minutes after they opened. “Once again, the citizens of Hoboken exercised their voting rights with enthusiasm and showed why this city is a shining example of democracy in action for not only the rest of the state, but also the nation.”

The mayor’s post became available after the resignation of Peter Cammarano III, who is one of dozens charged in a federal political corruption case. The whale apparently became a lock after political consultant Jack Shaw attached himself to the marine mammal’s campaign.

Shaw was found dead the same day the dead whale was elected.

“Jack wasn’t a show-off, but he said to me, ‘I’ve got Hudson County so locked down, I could even get a putrid, decaying whale carcass elected,’” a friend recalled. “I said, ‘I bet you can’t.’ Boy was I wrong. Do you smell something?”

Fort Dix, site of the next NJ League of Municipalities conference

Citing the need to keep up with the changing residency of its membership, the New Jersey State League of Municipalities said it will hold its upcoming annual conference at the Federal Correctional Institution at Fort Dix.

While the league has more than 13,000 members, consisting of mayors and elected or appointed local officials, Executive Director Bill Dressel said attendance has been dropping during the past few conventions.

“Not everyone can get a prison furlough to make it,” Dressel said. “So we decided, hey, let’s go where our members are. Most years that’s Atlantic City. This year, well, it’s somewhere else. But at least we’re guaranteed to have a good turnout.”

The 2008 gathering was dubbed “Challenges and Changes, A Time for New Ideas.” This year, staff has settled on “Getting Things Done, Everyone Has Their Price.”

Organizers said the 4-day event scheduled for November is packed with useful workshops and educational seminars, including “Perfecting the Perp Walk: How to Look Your Best” and “Letter Sized or Manila Envelopes? The Best Way to Accept ‘Contributions.’”

“I wish they had held this conference about three months ago,” Hoboken Mayor Peter Cammarano said from a holding cell. “Then again, good politicians learn from their mistakes and as it turns out, I think I may have a fair amount of free time in the next few years to really study up on things.”

Dressel said this year’s conference has been certified kosher by a group of Orthodox rabbis from Monmouth and Ocean counties.

“These are men of God,” he said. “If they give their blessing to something, that’s as good as cash in the bank.”

Running mates Corzine and Obama wave to supporters.

Charismatic, eloquent, smart, electable. Those are the words New Jersey Gov. Jon Corzine used to describe his long-awaited choice for lieutenant governor and running mate, President Obama.

At a campaign rally at the PNC Bank Arts Center in Holmdel, Corzine introduced his second-in-command to thousands of enthusiastic supporters.

“I share your values, I share your commitment and I share the sense of purpose you bring to public life,” Corzine said at the event, where crowds waved “Corzine/Obama ‘09″ placards. “Now if I could just share your approval ratings, we’d all be breathing a little easier. Ha ha….Who wrote this crap? Michael, you’re fired!”

The Corzine campaign has been searching for months for a suitable running mate who can help the governor overcome a sizeable lead in the polls enjoyed by Republican challenger Chris Christie. Although many names have been floated, from Newark Mayor Cory Booker to one-time Apprentice winner Randal Pinkett, aides to Corzine said none carry the star power of Barack Obama.

“We understand Obama may have other priorities as leader of the free world,” one senior Corzine adviser said. “But listen, the lieutenant governor’s job is much like the vice president’s - it’s largely ceremonial. A ribbon cutting in Clark, a groundbreaking in Somerset. We estimate the president will probably need to devote at most a couple of hours a week to the job.”

For his part, Obama seemed to accept his new role with Corzine in the same way a condemned inmate approaches the electric chair.

“You’ve decided it’s time for change. You’re willing to face the future unafraid. If you do that, if you stand with us…if you reelect Jon Corzine, there is nothing that’s going to stop us, New Jersey,” the president said in a monotone voice.

“Okay, let’s blow this shithole of a state. Oh, the mic is still on? I love you New Jersey!”