The original 1664 royal grant creating New Jersey
Elected officials and other dignitaries gathered in Trenton to celebrate nearly three and a half centuries of scorn, mocking and derision aimed at New Jersey.
“For 345 years, New Jersey has fulfilled an important role in our nation’s history and before that as an English colony - to be shit upon as unworthy,” Gov. Jon Corzine said. “We embraced our part and responded in one unified voice by saying, ‘Fuck you.’”
The festivities honoring the armpit of the nation included the display of a rare historical document: the June 1664 Royal Grant issued by King Charles II’s brother, James, Duke of York establishing an English colony named New Jersey. According to the grant, “said tract of land is hereafter to be called by the name or names of New Caeserea, New Jersey or Landfill for New Amsterdam.”
The land was presented to John Lord Berkeley and Sir George Carteret, who upon learning of their good fortune, reportedly replied, “We must retrieveth our IROC-Zs and wife-beater smocks with post-haste.”
A portion of the day-long celebration included an open mic for anyone to tell their favorite joke about Jersey and the dedication of a new playground.
“Despite our reputation, New Jersey likes to recycle and in keeping with that commitment, I’d just like to tell all the happy parents here that your children are currently playing in dirt recovered from the U.S. Radium Corp. superfund site,” announced Mark Mauriello, commissioner of the state Department of Environmental Protection.
The day went off mostly without incident. But there was a brief interruption during Corzine’s speech when a heckler shouted, “What exit! Ha ha ha!”
However, Education Commissioner Lucille Davy quickly jumped off the podium, removed one of her high heels and repeatedly stabbed the heckler in the neck, screaming, “What exit! How about the final exit, you piece of shit?!”
