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NJ GOP, Conservatives: Sandwiches Should Only Be Between Peanut Butter and Jelly

September 30, 2009 in Government, News | 3 comments

The only sandwich combo God intended, conservatives say.

Republican lawmakers and conservative activists in New Jersey are pushing for an amendment to the state constitution that would ban same-topping sandwiches.

The groups said they will begin a push to have the issue placed on the ballot next year and let Garden State residents - not legislators - decide whether it should be legal for someone to make a peanut butter and peanut butter sandwich.

“This is not about discrimination. This is about what is moral, what is right,” state Sen. Gerald Cardinale (R-Bergen) told reporters. “Peanut butter and jelly were meant to go together. You know, PB&J just sounds right. PB&PB or J&J? That’s sick.”

“We’re not trying to legislate what you do in the kitchen,” Cardinale continued between bites of an American cheese sandwich. “But this state of ours is headed down a path I don’t think any of us wants to go and it all comes back to the sandwich.”

Gregory Quinlan, director of government affairs for New Jersey Sandwich First, said putting only peanut butter or jelly on both slices of bread tears at the fabric of society.

“And don’t even get me started on the depravity of a peanut butter and banana sandwich,” Quinlan said. “It’s an affront to nature. Besides, what kind of message are we sending to our children?”

Gov. Jon Corzine has long advocated for tolerance on the question of same-topping sandwiches and reiterated his desire for the legislature to pass a bill allowing such combinations.

“The governor’s on the record supporting fairness and equality for all sandwiches,” spokesman Sean Darcy said. “In fact, he just ate a peanut butter and Marshmallow Fluff sandwich today for lunch.”

Tags: Cardinale, constitutional amendment, Corzine, peanut butter and jelly, republican, same sandwich

Independent Gov. Candidate Daggett Receives Participation Ribbon

September 8, 2009 in Government, News | No comments

Chris Daggett displaying his participation ribbon.

New Jersey election officials presented independent gubernatorial candidate Chris Daggett a special blue ribbon for taking part in the governor’s race and a coupon for a free 20-ounce soda with purchase of a 6-inch sub at Subway.

“While there will be winners and losers in the upcoming election, let’s not focus on such pejorative terms that categorize someone as one or the other,” said Robert Giles, director of the state Division of Elections. “Everyone involved, including Chris Daggett, participated and that’s nearly as important as winning one of the most powerful governorships in the nation.”

Although the actual election still is two months away, officials said they wanted to recognize Daggett now so he could proudly wear the participation ribbon on his wide array of polo shirts during campaign stops. The ribbon says, “Participant. NJ gubernatorial race, 2009.”

“I am grateful to have received this wonderful honor that I should note is not handed out to just anyone on the street,” Daggett said to himself at an empty news conference. “You have to be a participant in the governor’s race. That’s me. I participated.”

Gov. Jon Corzine paid $475,000 for his participation ribbon, while GOP challenger Chris Christie refused a ribbon, saying the American flag badge he wears proves he’s the only true patriot among the candidates.

Later, during a conference call, Daggett was asked how he was spending the public funding he qualified for. “Well, Old Navy had a sale on polos and you can never have too many of those,” he said.

Daggett also said he was busy preparing for the upcoming candidate debates, studying his key issues such as education, ethics, the environment and other things that begin with “e.” However, a leaked copy of questions that will be asked at the debate indicates the most probing query on tap for Daggett is, “What did you have for breakfast?”

Tags: Chris Daggett, christie, Corzine, election, governor, ribbon

NJ Gov. Corzine Settles On Running Mate: Barack Obama

July 17, 2009 in Government, News | 2 comments

Running mates Corzine and Obama wave to supporters.

Charismatic, eloquent, smart, electable. Those are the words New Jersey Gov. Jon Corzine used to describe his long-awaited choice for lieutenant governor and running mate, President Obama.

At a campaign rally at the PNC Bank Arts Center in Holmdel, Corzine introduced his second-in-command to thousands of enthusiastic supporters.

“I share your values, I share your commitment and I share the sense of purpose you bring to public life,” Corzine said at the event, where crowds waved “Corzine/Obama ‘09″ placards. “Now if I could just share your approval ratings, we’d all be breathing a little easier. Ha ha….Who wrote this crap? Michael, you’re fired!”

The Corzine campaign has been searching for months for a suitable running mate who can help the governor overcome a sizeable lead in the polls enjoyed by Republican challenger Chris Christie. Although many names have been floated, from Newark Mayor Cory Booker to one-time Apprentice winner Randal Pinkett, aides to Corzine said none carry the star power of Barack Obama.

“We understand Obama may have other priorities as leader of the free world,” one senior Corzine adviser said. “But listen, the lieutenant governor’s job is much like the vice president’s - it’s largely ceremonial. A ribbon cutting in Clark, a groundbreaking in Somerset. We estimate the president will probably need to devote at most a couple of hours a week to the job.”

For his part, Obama seemed to accept his new role with Corzine in the same way a condemned inmate approaches the electric chair.

“You’ve decided it’s time for change. You’re willing to face the future unafraid. If you do that, if you stand with us…if you reelect Jon Corzine, there is nothing that’s going to stop us, New Jersey,” the president said in a monotone voice.

“Okay, let’s blow this shithole of a state. Oh, the mic is still on? I love you New Jersey!”

Tags: christie, Corzine, election, governor, Obama

NJ Celebrates 345 Years of Getting Crapped On

June 26, 2009 in Government, News | 1 comment

The original 1664 royal grant creating New Jersey

Elected officials and other dignitaries gathered in Trenton to celebrate nearly three and a half centuries of scorn, mocking and derision aimed at New Jersey.

“For 345 years, New Jersey has fulfilled an important role in our nation’s history and before that as an English colony - to be shit upon as unworthy,” Gov. Jon Corzine said. “We embraced our part and responded in one unified voice by saying, ‘Fuck you.’”

The festivities honoring the armpit of the nation included the display of a rare historical document: the June 1664 Royal Grant issued by King Charles II’s brother, James, Duke of York establishing an English colony named New Jersey. According to the grant, “said tract of land is hereafter to be called by the name or names of New Caeserea, New Jersey or Landfill for New Amsterdam.”

The land was presented to John Lord Berkeley and Sir George Carteret, who upon learning of their good fortune, reportedly replied, “We must retrieveth our IROC-Zs and wife-beater smocks with post-haste.”

A portion of the day-long celebration included an open mic for anyone to tell their favorite joke about Jersey and the dedication of a new playground.

“Despite our reputation, New Jersey likes to recycle and in keeping with that commitment, I’d just like to tell all the happy parents here that your children are currently playing in dirt recovered from the U.S. Radium Corp. superfund site,” announced Mark Mauriello, commissioner of the state Department of Environmental Protection.

The day went off mostly without incident. But there was a brief interruption during Corzine’s speech when a heckler shouted, “What exit! Ha ha ha!”

However, Education Commissioner Lucille Davy quickly jumped off the podium, removed one of her high heels and repeatedly stabbed the heckler in the neck, screaming, “What exit! How about the final exit, you piece of shit?!”

Tags: armpit, Corzine, Duke of York, New Jersey

State-Sanctioned Tax Beatings Bring in $800 Million Windfall For NJ

June 19, 2009 in Government, News | No comments

NJ residents hoping to avoid "Tase for Taxes"

New Jersey officials have expressed surprise at the amount of past-due taxes being collected by gangs of teens, out-of-work bouncers and senior citizens armed with Tasers.

The collection program, dubbed “Tase for Taxes,” has brought in so much money - more than $800 million so far - that legislators are hastily adding pet projects back in the state budget that already includes a museum documenting the rise of malls in New Jersey and a bridge connecting Trenton to Atlantic City.

Gov. Jon Corzine said he came up with the idea while watching reruns of The Sopranos with Senate President Richard Codey. The two, who had been discussing ways to collect billions in unpaid state taxes, settled on recruiting under-employed segments of the community.

“With unemployment running much higher among disaffected youth, crotchety old people and beefy guys with felony records, we decided to tackle two problems at once,” Codey said. “It really is a win-win situation all around. Except for those who didn’t pay their taxes.”

Tax “collectors” receive 1 percent of whatever they bring in, although some said they were doing it for the sheer joy of a job well done.

“I haven’t had this much fun since 1978 when I hogtied that rat bastard neighborhood kid Donnie upside down in a tree for trampling through my flower bed,” 85-year-old Melvin Dobb said. “In fact, I think I may have tased him as part of this cockamamie tax program. Damn fool wet his pants, just like before. Where’s my Metamucil?”

One particularly industrious group of teens from Jersey City who took a bus to Morris County collected $850,000 from tax cheats in less than a week. “Our success was all about a good work ethic,” said one 18-year-old member of the gang. “Well, that and the threat of having 20 teenagers high on meth go ape shit on them.”

Tags: Codey, Corzine, taser, taxes

Corzine Campaign To Biden: You Get A Microphone At Rally But We Won’t Turn It On

May 15, 2009 in Government, News | No comments

Joe Biden gets a mic, but no power.

Campaign officials for Gov. Jon Corzine have agreed to give Vice President Joe Biden a microphone at an upcoming re-election kickoff but are refusing to plug it into a speaker.

In addition, the governor’s campaign workers have hired a ventriloquist to make it appear the words coming from Biden’s mouth are his own. They also have put on standby crews with jackhammers and dump trucks that will begin backing up if Biden tries to raise his voice.

“Statistically, there is a 99.997 percent chance Biden will say something that a)will cost us hundreds, if not thousands, of votes or b)will plunge New Jersey into a state of emergency leading to panic in the streets, widespread rioting and the election of one of The Real Housewives of New Jersey as governor,” one senior aide said. “We’re hoping we only have to deal with A, but we’re planning for B.

“Because really, at this point, Jon Corzine doesn’t need any more reasons for people to not vote for him,” the aide said.

Publicly, the Corzine campaign has embraced Biden’s offer to appear at a rally to be held June 2, the night of the primary election. But privately, the governor’s closest advisers equate Biden’s presence to a Chinese acrobatic show — things could go horribly wrong at any moment and that’s why many people watch.

For his part, Biden doesn’t see what all the fuss is about.

“Listen, the Corzine people don’t want me to talk about certain stuff. I understand they don’t want details of Jon’s gender reassignment surgery out there before the election and can respect that,” the vice president said. “They’ve got nothing to worry about.”

Tags: Corzine, election, gender reassignment surgery, governor, Joe Biden

NJ Facing Serious Economic Issues

April 1, 2009 in Government, News | 2 comments

njseal1 The furloughs are flying, unemployment in the state is increasing and services are decreasing.

The Garden State, like the rest of the country, is fighting a multi-headed monster that threatens hundreds of thousands of its residents. Consumers are struggling. Businesses are struggling. The state government is struggling.

“Make no mistake: because of where the world is right now, we must move in directions we might not otherwise choose,” Gov. Jon Corzine said last month in an address presenting his $29.8 billion budget. “Tough times require that we make the right choices, and that we do the right thing for the common good. By making the right decisions now, New Jersey can and will emerge from this national economic crisis stronger, sooner, and more prosperous.”

Former Gov. Tom Kean is threatening legal action against Corzine for cutting arts funding and state workers’ unions have sued him for trying to force a 2-day furlough on them. Private companies also are instituting furloughs, saying those are preferable to layoffs.

Still, New Jersey’s unemployment rate jumped to 8.2 percent in February - higher than the national rate of 8.1 percent - and up from 7.3 percent in January.

“The state’s economy is continuing to weaken,” Joel Naroff, chief economist for TD Bank, told NJBIZ. “This (February) job loss points to further deterioration in an economy that was already pretty weak.”

Naroff also told the publication he suspects New Jersey has not yet seen the full impact of Wall Street’s meltdown. Particularly hard hit will likely be areas in the state that fall within the 40109 zip code, where one day things may seem totally opposite of what they usually are.

Tags: budget, Corzine, economy, unemployment

NJ Wants to Replace Property Tax Rebate with Credit to Tropicana Casino

March 9, 2009 in Government, News | No comments

NJ homeowners who staved off foreclosure another month.

Gov. Jon Corzine has decided the best way to solve the property tax rebate dilemma is to replace it with credits allowing New Jersey residents to gamble in Atlantic City like it was 2006.

Senior administration officials described the new plan as a way to help balance the upcoming budget and ensure goodwill among likely voters. Property owners and renters would receive a credit at the Tropicana for half of what their rebate check would have been and a coupon for one meal at the Fiesta Buffet.

“This is something that helps not only the taxpayers of New Jersey, but also an industry that has helped turn the state into what it is now,” Corzine spokesman Sean Darcy said. “What citizen wouldn’t welcome the chance to become fabulously wealthy - not as rich as the governor, of course - and eat at what has been described as the ninth-best buffet in Atlantic City? Beef stroganoff. That’s all I’m saying.”

Officials said Corzine came up with the idea at about 4 a.m. one Saturday after he’d been playing Pai Gow poker and drinking Red Bull for 27 hours straight.

“He was up pretty good at one point and thought he might be able to solve the state’s budget crisis by donating his winnings,” a witness said. “But then some blue-hair from Leisure Village sat down and just wiped him out of about $1 billion or so.”

Immediately after that, Corzine met with Tropicana officials, who consented to the deal as long as the governor also agreed to pay off the markers run up by the Casino Control Commission during its “work” lunches.

Staff at the Tropicana was said to be busy preparing, evicting squatters and finalizing plans to offer every 100^th guest a partial no-bed-bug guarantee. The casino also has lowered its minimum age for cocktail waitresses from 70 to 65 to attract, as floor manager Don Durango said, “gals who can turn heads but not break hips.”

Monroe Township retiree Lou “Lucky Roller” Castellano said he wasn’t sure he’d be able to continue living in his house without the rebate, but figured a gambling credit couldn’t hurt anyone.

“What, we don’t get a show, too?” he asked. “If the Republicans were in charge, they would have given us a show.”

Tags: casinos, Corzine, property tax rebate

Corzine’s Sweater Vest Holds Slight Lead in Polls Over Corzine

February 19, 2009 in Government, News | No comments

Corzine thought he had a bigger lead

With nine months to go before the New Jersey gubernatorial election, new polling suggests Gov. Jon Corzine may be toppled by a darkhorse candidate - one of his sweater vests.

In the Quinnipiac University poll, conducted in early February, 54 percent of likely voters said they planned to cast their ballot for Corzine’s favorite navy blue sweater vest while 49 percent said they were leaning toward Corzine. The remaining 7 percent of those polled were evenly split between the guy who smokes pot and whichever candidate offered the best “tribute” payment.

The results surprised poll director Don Schwartzman because Corzine’s sweater has not officially declared its candidacy, let alone established an exploratory committee or approached the wealthy cashmere and cardigan fundraising circles in Bergen and Morris counties.

“Corzine may be the former CEO of Goldman Sachs, but he’s going to need more than a head for numbers to beat this garment,” Schwartzman said. “It’s 100 percent Merino wool for God’s sake.”

Sources inside the Corzine campaign said his team was caught off guard by the navy sweater vest’s showing and that top aides had been focusing on Corzine’s slate gray sweater vest, which internal polls showed was gaining popularity and his most likely challenger. Publicly, Corzine spokesman Sean Darcy attacked the navy sweater vest as too lightweight to take on the governorship and said it could only help New Jersey for two, maybe three, of the four seasons.

But some residents who participated in the Quinnipiac poll said they were ready to give Corzine’s sweater vest a chance.

“We want a governor in this state who’s versatile and can adapt to a changing environment,” New Brunswick resident Tony Matolo said. “That means being able to go with a button down dress shirt one day, a sports coat and slacks another, and jeans and a T-shirt if the situation calls for it. I think Corzine’s sweater vest brings all that to the table and more.”

Asked about his solid showing in the poll, Ed “The Weedman” Forchion said, “Um, what was the question?”

Tags: Corzine, governor, New Jersey, polls, sweater vest