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Local NJ Government Workers: We’ll Leave if Free Kidneys, Other Perks, Taken Away

December 7, 2009 in Government, News | No comments

Harrison workers protest cutting their perks.

Harrison workers protest cutting their perks.

Municipal employees in hundreds of towns across New Jersey are threatening to walk off the job if perks such as free kidneys and livers, and a Cambodian house boy upon retirement are taken from them.

The workers, reacting to a state investigation that revealed close to $40 million in excessive benefits to local government employees, said there’s no reason to change.

“Those idiots in Trenton need to learn the expression, ‘If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,’” said Charles Vanderbale, a Rockaway Township public works employee with 34 years on the job who noted he’s already factored the Cambodian house boy into his retirement planning. “Do you realize how expensive it would be for me to go out somewhere and pay retail for daily foot massages? People just don’t understand my $125,000 annual pension and full medical will only go so far.”

The scathing report by the State Commission of Investigation found places such as Bernardsville, Harrison and Summit routinely offer its workers their choice of organ transplants and master keys that unlock every home in their particular township.

“It’s one of those things that was just given to everyone over the years,” retired Harrison police Chief Stan Sullivan said. “I’m pretty sure I would have had to stop drinking if I hadn’t been able to get that six-pack of livers over the years. But that didn’t just benefit me. The town got an extra three or four years out of me on the job, even if that last year I didn’t actually have to show up because of accrued sick time.”

Local municipal workers stressed they gave up more promising opportunities in the private sector, opportunities that they could easily take advantage of if New Jersey politicians started toying with their hard-earned benefits.

“Here’s the thing. I have a GED and 27 years of experience putting papers in manila folders,” Victory Gardens filing clerk Maria Andersen said defiantly. “If the state of New Jersey thinks it can just up and replace someone with those kind of qualifications, then be my guest.”

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NJ Lawmakers Consider Pay to Play For Kindergartners

February 25, 2009 in Government, News | No comments

Bucco and his prized Freddie the Frog

Bucco and his prized Freddie the Frog

Declaring the time has come for children who use playgrounds for kickball, hopscotch and other frivolity to understand today’s realities, a New Jersey state senator has introduced a pay-to-play bill.

“For too long, the children of this state have had carte blanche to play wherever they want, whenever they want with little or no oversight and zero accountability,” Sen. Anthony Bucco (R-Morris) said in introducing the bill (S-1429). “Well, if we want to clean up New Jersey and restore her rich and proud traditions, kids are going to have to start forking over some cash.”

While many other legislators have focused their attentions on controlling political contributions in exchange for lucrative state contracts, Bucco has long pursued issues aimed at New Jersey’s youngest demographic. In past years, he’s pushed for a 3-day waiting period on water gun purchases, to regulate the use of “once, twice, three, shoot” as a game of chance and to require bedwetters to register with the state.

Aides to Bucco say the reason is simple: kids are the one constituency who can’t voice their displeasure by voting against him. (Bucco also is sponsoring legislation to change the legal voting age in his district to 33.)

If it passes, the new pay-to-play bill (known as the Take Back the Playground Act) would impose a regressive tax on children 14 and younger. The amount would be determined by adding a youngster’s assets, such as a bicycle, baseball card collection or FurReal Friends, dividing by one-third, multiplying by the square root of Bucco’s age and then just taking whatever is in a child’s piggy bank.

“This is a fair and equitable system that will not only teach children there is a cost for playing, but also provide needed funding for a new Freddie the Frog spring ride-on animal in my backyard. To be built by Mazzia Construction Inc., which graciously donated $3,000 to my re-election campaign .”

At Grace Lord Park in Bucco’s hometown of Boonton recently, handfuls of children played on swings and organized a kickball game. When told of Bucco’s proposed bill, several of the kids ran in circles screaming, “Nah nah poopy head!”

A more thoughtful 6-year-old, Sally Arnold, said she was outraged. “This is just another example of government interventionism masquerading as revenue generation. Was it not Jean-Paul Sartre who said, ‘Freedom is what you do with what’s been done to you?’ Also, I just wet my pants.”

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State Outlines New Investment Strategy: Hannah Montana, Religious Toast and Vinny

February 2, 2009 in Government, News | No comments

hannahmontana1Bruised by more than $17 billion in investment losses last year, New Jersey’s public employee pension fund has decided to shift its money from stocks and bonds to Miley Cyrus collectibles, pieces of toast with religious figures on them and a guy named Vinny who promises 35 percent returns.

The state Division of Investment disclosed its new strategy at an Assembly hearing in Trenton and director William Clark clearly was excited about the potential returns with the change in direction. During testimony, Clark said he was confident the state would not only make up the money it lost in 2008, but also post returns other states could only shake their heads at.

“We have almost cornered the Hannah Montana products market with a $29 billion investment and I believe when we’re ready to sell in 10 or 15 years there’s no way we’ll lose,” he said. “I ask any lawmaker in this committee to tell me how a Hannah Montana metallic motorcycle jacket will not return at least 20 percent a year.”

For the foreseeable future, the state will store tens of thousands of Hannah Montana lip gloss rings, Hannah Montana 3D 22-ounce plastic cups, Hannah Montana doll playsets, Hannah Montana comforters, Hannah Montana ceiling fans, Hannah Montana wall murals, Hannah Montana alarm clock radios, Hannah Montana sticker trading cards, Hannah Montana edible cake topper decorations and Hannah Montana director’s chairs in the massive abandoned main building of Greystone Park Psychiatric Hospital.

“Of course, we’ll need to have 24-hour manned security for the collection, because it’s a proven fact crazy people have a thing for Miley Cirus,” Clark said. “But the protection will only cost about $17 million a year.”

In addition, the division of investment has purchased $7 billion in pieces of toast that, if held at the correct angle and time of day, appear to have the images of Jesus, the Virgin Mary, Elvis and former president Grover Cleveland on them. It is bidding on eBay on another $3 billion of toast products.

Finally, the fund’s remaining $25 billion has been placed with a guy named Vinny. Clark said a division assistant director met Vinny at the Meadowlands when both men bet on Blue Boy to win in the seventh and the assistant learned Vinny was an accomplished money manager with a stellar record of returns.

Assemblyman Alex DeCroce seemed skeptical of some of the investments and raised the division’s ill-fated decision last year to invest in Lehman Bros. weeks before the investment bank collapsed.

“But I think you’re right on track with Vinny. I’ve got all my money with him and he can’t miss,” DeCroce said. “As for Hannah Montana, I’m going to have to inspect that merchandise personally, each day, for several hours.”

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State Worker Earning $1 Billion Salary Fearful Amid Budget-Cutting Frenzy

January 14, 2009 in Government | 1 comment

Twombly, moments before a shard of metal flew into his eye

Twombly, moments before a shard of metal flew into his eye

Derek Twombly, a mechanic in New Jersey’s fleet maintenance division, has told friends he’s worried his $1 billion-a-year job could be at risk as officials look to trim $2.1 billion from the state budget.

In an effort to ensure his job is safe, Twombly apparently has gone so far as to show up for work all five days of the week recently.

“Derek wants to make sure his boss sees what a dedicated employee he is,” friend Tommy Fitzpatrick said. “He still takes a two-hour lunch, though. And 45-minute breaks in the morning and afternoon. Oh, and smoke breaks. You know, a man can only work so hard.”

The 47-year-old Toms River resident started with the state right out of high school and has received raises every year since then. He’s paid $1,9230,769.23 a week, making him the third highest paid employee in his department, not counting overtime.

Co-workers described Twombly as a joker who likes to play pranks, like hooking a car battery to the vending machine’s selection buttons. But they said he’s not so proficient in actually repairing vehicles. He has been trying to fix a “gasket thingy” on the same DOT Crown Victoria since 2003.

Twombly had been unaware of Gov. Jon Corzine’s efforts to shave billions from the current budget until fellow worker Matt Parker mentioned he was confident his $300 million salary was “about average” and likely wouldn’t be touched.

“At first Derek was all like, ‘I’m fine. I’m fine,’ but then he started looking real worried,” Parker said. “He told me he just started a restoration project on his 14th century castle in Scotland and had been hoping to pick up some extra hours.”

A spokesman for the Communication Workers of America defended Twombly’s salary and chided Corzine for trying to burden middle class residents like Twombly to pay for perks such as after-school programs or pothole repairs. The spokesman did however concede that the personal assistants assigned to every state worker may be open for discussion.

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