Harrison workers protest cutting their perks.

Municipal employees in hundreds of towns across New Jersey are threatening to walk off the job if perks such as free kidneys and livers, and a Cambodian house boy upon retirement are taken from them.

The workers, reacting to a state investigation that revealed close to $40 million in excessive benefits to local government employees, said there’s no reason to change.

“Those idiots in Trenton need to learn the expression, ‘If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,’” said Charles Vanderbale, a Rockaway Township public works employee with 34 years on the job who noted he’s already factored the Cambodian house boy into his retirement planning. “Do you realize how expensive it would be for me to go out somewhere and pay retail for daily foot massages? People just don’t understand my $125,000 annual pension and full medical will only go so far.”

The scathing report by the State Commission of Investigation found places such as Bernardsville, Harrison and Summit routinely offer its workers their choice of organ transplants and master keys that unlock every home in their particular township.

“It’s one of those things that was just given to everyone over the years,” retired Harrison police Chief Stan Sullivan said. “I’m pretty sure I would have had to stop drinking if I hadn’t been able to get that six-pack of livers over the years. But that didn’t just benefit me. The town got an extra three or four years out of me on the job, even if that last year I didn’t actually have to show up because of accrued sick time.”

Local municipal workers stressed they gave up more promising opportunities in the private sector, opportunities that they could easily take advantage of if New Jersey politicians started toying with their hard-earned benefits.

“Here’s the thing. I have a GED and 27 years of experience putting papers in manila folders,” Victory Gardens filing clerk Maria Andersen said defiantly. “If the state of New Jersey thinks it can just up and replace someone with those kind of qualifications, then be my guest.”

The original 1664 royal grant creating New Jersey

Elected officials and other dignitaries gathered in Trenton to celebrate nearly three and a half centuries of scorn, mocking and derision aimed at New Jersey.

“For 345 years, New Jersey has fulfilled an important role in our nation’s history and before that as an English colony - to be shit upon as unworthy,” Gov. Jon Corzine said. “We embraced our part and responded in one unified voice by saying, ‘Fuck you.’”

The festivities honoring the armpit of the nation included the display of a rare historical document: the June 1664 Royal Grant issued by King Charles II’s brother, James, Duke of York establishing an English colony named New Jersey. According to the grant, “said tract of land is hereafter to be called by the name or names of New Caeserea, New Jersey or Landfill for New Amsterdam.”

The land was presented to John Lord Berkeley and Sir George Carteret, who upon learning of their good fortune, reportedly replied, “We must retrieveth our IROC-Zs and wife-beater smocks with post-haste.”

A portion of the day-long celebration included an open mic for anyone to tell their favorite joke about Jersey and the dedication of a new playground.

“Despite our reputation, New Jersey likes to recycle and in keeping with that commitment, I’d just like to tell all the happy parents here that your children are currently playing in dirt recovered from the U.S. Radium Corp. superfund site,” announced Mark Mauriello, commissioner of the state Department of Environmental Protection.

The day went off mostly without incident. But there was a brief interruption during Corzine’s speech when a heckler shouted, “What exit! Ha ha ha!”

However, Education Commissioner Lucille Davy quickly jumped off the podium, removed one of her high heels and repeatedly stabbed the heckler in the neck, screaming, “What exit! How about the final exit, you piece of shit?!”

Bucco and his prized Freddie the Frog

Declaring the time has come for children who use playgrounds for kickball, hopscotch and other frivolity to understand today’s realities, a New Jersey state senator has introduced a pay-to-play bill.

“For too long, the children of this state have had carte blanche to play wherever they want, whenever they want with little or no oversight and zero accountability,” Sen. Anthony Bucco (R-Morris) said in introducing the bill (S-1429). “Well, if we want to clean up New Jersey and restore her rich and proud traditions, kids are going to have to start forking over some cash.”

While many other legislators have focused their attentions on controlling political contributions in exchange for lucrative state contracts, Bucco has long pursued issues aimed at New Jersey’s youngest demographic. In past years, he’s pushed for a 3-day waiting period on water gun purchases, to regulate the use of “once, twice, three, shoot” as a game of chance and to require bedwetters to register with the state.

Aides to Bucco say the reason is simple: kids are the one constituency who can’t voice their displeasure by voting against him. (Bucco also is sponsoring legislation to change the legal voting age in his district to 33.)

If it passes, the new pay-to-play bill (known as the Take Back the Playground Act) would impose a regressive tax on children 14 and younger. The amount would be determined by adding a youngster’s assets, such as a bicycle, baseball card collection or FurReal Friends, dividing by one-third, multiplying by the square root of Bucco’s age and then just taking whatever is in a child’s piggy bank.

“This is a fair and equitable system that will not only teach children there is a cost for playing, but also provide needed funding for a new Freddie the Frog spring ride-on animal in my backyard. To be built by Mazzia Construction Inc., which graciously donated $3,000 to my re-election campaign .”

At Grace Lord Park in Bucco’s hometown of Boonton recently, handfuls of children played on swings and organized a kickball game. When told of Bucco’s proposed bill, several of the kids ran in circles screaming, “Nah nah poopy head!”

A more thoughtful 6-year-old, Sally Arnold, said she was outraged. “This is just another example of government interventionism masquerading as revenue generation. Was it not Jean-Paul Sartre who said, ‘Freedom is what you do with what’s been done to you?’ Also, I just wet my pants.”

Corzine thought he had a bigger lead

With nine months to go before the New Jersey gubernatorial election, new polling suggests Gov. Jon Corzine may be toppled by a darkhorse candidate - one of his sweater vests.

In the Quinnipiac University poll, conducted in early February, 54 percent of likely voters said they planned to cast their ballot for Corzine’s favorite navy blue sweater vest while 49 percent said they were leaning toward Corzine. The remaining 7 percent of those polled were evenly split between the guy who smokes pot and whichever candidate offered the best “tribute” payment.

The results surprised poll director Don Schwartzman because Corzine’s sweater has not officially declared its candidacy, let alone established an exploratory committee or approached the wealthy cashmere and cardigan fundraising circles in Bergen and Morris counties.

“Corzine may be the former CEO of Goldman Sachs, but he’s going to need more than a head for numbers to beat this garment,” Schwartzman said. “It’s 100 percent Merino wool for God’s sake.”

Sources inside the Corzine campaign said his team was caught off guard by the navy sweater vest’s showing and that top aides had been focusing on Corzine’s slate gray sweater vest, which internal polls showed was gaining popularity and his most likely challenger. Publicly, Corzine spokesman Sean Darcy attacked the navy sweater vest as too lightweight to take on the governorship and said it could only help New Jersey for two, maybe three, of the four seasons.

But some residents who participated in the Quinnipiac poll said they were ready to give Corzine’s sweater vest a chance.

“We want a governor in this state who’s versatile and can adapt to a changing environment,” New Brunswick resident Tony Matolo said. “That means being able to go with a button down dress shirt one day, a sports coat and slacks another, and jeans and a T-shirt if the situation calls for it. I think Corzine’s sweater vest brings all that to the table and more.”

Asked about his solid showing in the poll, Ed “The Weedman” Forchion said, “Um, what was the question?”

The state Division of Investment disclosed its new strategy at an Assembly hearing in Trenton and director William Clark clearly was excited about the potential returns with the change in direction. During testimony, Clark said he was confident the state would not only make up the money it lost in 2008, but also post returns other states could only shake their heads at.

“We have almost cornered the Hannah Montana products market with a $29 billion investment and I believe when we’re ready to sell in 10 or 15 years there’s no way we’ll lose,” he said. “I ask any lawmaker in this committee to tell me how a Hannah Montana metallic motorcycle jacket will not return at least 20 percent a year.”

For the foreseeable future, the state will store tens of thousands of Hannah Montana lip gloss rings, Hannah Montana 3D 22-ounce plastic cups, Hannah Montana doll playsets, Hannah Montana comforters, Hannah Montana ceiling fans, Hannah Montana wall murals, Hannah Montana alarm clock radios, Hannah Montana sticker trading cards, Hannah Montana edible cake topper decorations and Hannah Montana director’s chairs in the massive abandoned main building of Greystone Park Psychiatric Hospital.

“Of course, we’ll need to have 24-hour manned security for the collection, because it’s a proven fact crazy people have a thing for Miley Cirus,” Clark said. “But the protection will only cost about $17 million a year.”

In addition, the division of investment has purchased $7 billion in pieces of toast that, if held at the correct angle and time of day, appear to have the images of Jesus, the Virgin Mary, Elvis and former president Grover Cleveland on them. It is bidding on eBay on another $3 billion of toast products.

Finally, the fund’s remaining $25 billion has been placed with a guy named Vinny. Clark said a division assistant director met Vinny at the Meadowlands when both men bet on Blue Boy to win in the seventh and the assistant learned Vinny was an accomplished money manager with a stellar record of returns.

Assemblyman Alex DeCroce seemed skeptical of some of the investments and raised the division’s ill-fated decision last year to invest in Lehman Bros. weeks before the investment bank collapsed.

“But I think you’re right on track with Vinny. I’ve got all my money with him and he can’t miss,” DeCroce said. “As for Hannah Montana, I’m going to have to inspect that merchandise personally, each day, for several hours.”