Bucco and his prized Freddie the Frog

Declaring the time has come for children who use playgrounds for kickball, hopscotch and other frivolity to understand today’s realities, a New Jersey state senator has introduced a pay-to-play bill.

“For too long, the children of this state have had carte blanche to play wherever they want, whenever they want with little or no oversight and zero accountability,” Sen. Anthony Bucco (R-Morris) said in introducing the bill (S-1429). “Well, if we want to clean up New Jersey and restore her rich and proud traditions, kids are going to have to start forking over some cash.”

While many other legislators have focused their attentions on controlling political contributions in exchange for lucrative state contracts, Bucco has long pursued issues aimed at New Jersey’s youngest demographic. In past years, he’s pushed for a 3-day waiting period on water gun purchases, to regulate the use of “once, twice, three, shoot” as a game of chance and to require bedwetters to register with the state.

Aides to Bucco say the reason is simple: kids are the one constituency who can’t voice their displeasure by voting against him. (Bucco also is sponsoring legislation to change the legal voting age in his district to 33.)

If it passes, the new pay-to-play bill (known as the Take Back the Playground Act) would impose a regressive tax on children 14 and younger. The amount would be determined by adding a youngster’s assets, such as a bicycle, baseball card collection or FurReal Friends, dividing by one-third, multiplying by the square root of Bucco’s age and then just taking whatever is in a child’s piggy bank.

“This is a fair and equitable system that will not only teach children there is a cost for playing, but also provide needed funding for a new Freddie the Frog spring ride-on animal in my backyard. To be built by Mazzia Construction Inc., which graciously donated $3,000 to my re-election campaign .”

At Grace Lord Park in Bucco’s hometown of Boonton recently, handfuls of children played on swings and organized a kickball game. When told of Bucco’s proposed bill, several of the kids ran in circles screaming, “Nah nah poopy head!”

A more thoughtful 6-year-old, Sally Arnold, said she was outraged. “This is just another example of government interventionism masquerading as revenue generation. Was it not Jean-Paul Sartre who said, ‘Freedom is what you do with what’s been done to you?’ Also, I just wet my pants.”

Sen. Lautenberg demonstrates his punching method

In an effort to quiet criticism about his vitality, Sen. Frank Lautenberg (D-NJ) spent part of his 85^th birthday celebration last month pummeling a man who’s been paralyzed since childhood.

Lautenberg launched the beatdown after several of his friends made jokes about his age during roast-style speeches at the black-tie affair at The Manor in West Orange. When they finished, one of the octogenarian senator’s aides wheeled Donald Spellacker onto the dance floor.

Spellacker, 42, was confined to a wheelchair in 1971 after a school bus he was trying to flag down ran over him and his mother, who was killed.

The paralyzed Spellacker, who can move only his head, was able to duck and bob out of the way of the first couple of blows from Lautenberg, but the five-term senator soon connected with a left jab-right uppercut combination. Lautenberg then began to work the body and knocked away the chair’s mouthpiece control stick when Spellacker tried to use it to get away.

“This isn’t about proving what good shape I’m in,” Lautenberg said while pausing briefly during the 15-minute beating. “It’s about proving that no matter what your limitations are, whether they be age or not being able to use your arms and legs, you can still achieve things and stand up for yourself.”

After the beating, Spellacker had some slight reddening on his cheeks but said he felt fine and was actually refreshed by the senator’s attentions.

“I was kind of surprised when he first started punching because Lautenberg’s staff said I was attending a benefit for people who were paralyzed in accidents that killed their mothers,” Spellacker said. “But to be honest, I didn’t feel the body blows because I am paralyzed below the neck. And if my eyes were closed I would have guessed Dr. Ruth was hitting me the punches were so soft.”

Lautenberg, the second oldest member of the Senate, was able to continue enjoying his party after receiving some intravenous fluids and half a tank of oxygen.